And if I’m forced to find another I hope she looks like you, and she's nicer too!

I was bored...

2007-03-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

Karma

2007-02-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a long long time. Things have been moving forward for me. However, I have discovered I have bad karma. I seriously need to do a karmic cleansing. In my history at Target I have almost killed a kid, had a pregnant mom slip, bomb scare, man try and run over a cop, complete power failure in the building, crazy person who needed to be fired, and a fire in one of my departments. And that is all just Target mishaps.

I also had my car break down on Christmas day, $3,000 later I still don't have my car back. After my car broke down I took my parents car home. The funny thing there was when I got all the way down to SLC I locked the door to later realize that I didn't have the key to unlock the door. All that happened on Christmas day. I am seriously starting to wonder whose dog I ran over. I am just hoping with all that, I am rewarded later down the road.

I have had some success mixed in with the mishaps. I was offered a job with the Gap, which I decided to turn down. The great thing that came from that was Target decided to match the wage that the Gap offered. So that was nice.

I also found out that one of my co-workers googled my name. And if you have ever googled me before you know you do find things. I was a little worried about what he might find. Thankfully he didn't find anything too bad. He did discover that I am gay, which is not a big deal. I do find it a little creepy that he felt he needed to google me.

I also bought a new MacBook computer. It is very very nice! Really life is pretty boring right now, which isn't a bad thing.

You got your ass kicked!

2006-11-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

So republicans got their asses handed to them. Yes, this is the democrat mandate that says the republican leadership has lead us the wrong way and now we are changing it. One thing that pisses me off is now that Bush has lost the mandate he said he received in 2004, he wants to extend an olive branch. Quiet honestly if I were a democrat in Congress I would shove the olive branch up his ass! He wouldn't work with us on any policy when he had control, so you can't be all buddy buddy now.

I voted, now give me a blow job!

2006-11-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

I voted this morning at 8:30 am. It was quite fun and new. I had never used the new machines so I had to ask for help. I really liked them, I also like that it has a paper backup. However, there is one thing I did not understand. What was the fancy little card that they gave you to put in the machine? I kind of wanted to keep it to show to everyone I voted. I didn't, so the sticker will have to work!

I also heard someone ask to use a paper ballot. I thought it was so cute! Maybe it wasn't that cute, but the guy sure was. I totally wanted to go over and say hi and thank him for being so serious about voting. But in the end I didn't, I was more concerned with my sticker.

I have decided that blow jobs should be given out to every voter. It would increase turn out a lot.

Separate and NOT equal.

2006-10-27T11:42:00.000-06:00

So if you have been reading the news you probably heard that the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that same sex couples must be given the same rights as straight couples. Now the debate is about if that means marriage of a civil union. But I have one question, doesn't the idea of a civil union seem exactly like separate but equal? And didn't we already prove that separate but equal is NEVER equal. So there is only one choice and that is marriage.

Don't you wonder?

2006-09-30T12:23:00.000-06:00

I saw this and wondered, what if I know this person. If I did I would hope they would come to me with a secret like this.

I named a rat

2006-09-18T15:55:00.000-06:00

So I won two VIP passes to the Big Ass Show. They were having a contest to name their corporate rat, and well my name I entered won! The sad part is I forgot what I named it. But all that matters is I won! So when you hear the name, that was mine. The funny thing is I don't think I have ever paid for a concert ticket and I have been to a lot of concerts!

Also, I turned down Starbucks. I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to work with them. The problem is they didn't offer me enough money. The sad thing is 6 months ago I would have taken the job with no question. The amount they offered was a lot, just 10K less than I make now. But the exciting thing is I have been head hunted by Toys R Us.

A recruiter contacted me and I have been interviewing with them to run my own Toys R Us. The great thing is they quoted me about 10K more than Target pays me plus a 15% bonus, which is not bad! Should I get the job that means I will be able to buy a condo sooner than I had hoped!

So it seems I am on a lucky streak. I should go to Vegas!

Blogs

2006-09-03T00:46:00.000-06:00

So some of you may not know this, but I have two blogs. One is the more emo blog and the other is the life update blog. I have had one of my blogs since November 2003. I decided to sit down and do some math.

So in the last 50 posts on each site I have written a total of 71 pages single spaced with 32,000 words. And that does not even begin to count all the other posts that aren't on the first page of my blog. It is kind of crazy to think I had 32,000 words to say.

The bible creates people like this (look at picture below)

2006-09-02T22:26:00.000-06:00

Brett when I say I don't believe in the bible (little b) I mean I do not believe in the teachings within the bible. Yes there is a book, but does this book contain the word of god (little g), in my opinion no. It contains the word of man. Much like there are many Jesus's (hey sus) in this world but that does not mean they are prophets.

I was so ready to bitch out some holy person for posting religious garb on my page until I found out it was you.

Thus concludes my religious discussion for the day.

you can't put your finger there - OOH! PUT YOUR FINGER THERE!

2006-08-23T13:09:00.000-06:00

I had an interview with Starbucks the other day to run my own store. It went really well, I got a call back from the district manager for a final interview! I think interviewing is one of my best skills. There was one question they asked me that I didn't have a good answer for and I was shocked when I heard it. They asked me to tell them about a time when I took the ethical high ground when others may not have. For me that is a tough question I wasn't expecting. I'm glad they didn't ask me if I liked coffee because really I don't. But I guess I can learn to like the taste, they give all Starbucks partners a pound of coffee a week so I better learn fast. But I think it went well. I'll let you know if I get the job.

Name that tune - you can't put your finger there - OOH! PUT YOUR FINGER THERE!

Take Care

2006-08-01T20:22:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in quiet some time, but I had some free time today so I thought it would be great to get some thoughts out. I watched two shows today both from the program called “30 Days”. The idea behind the TV program is for someone to live in someone else’s shoes for 30 days. But they don't just put anyone together; they put two people with opposite views in the same place for 30 days so they can learn from each other.

The first one I watched was on immigration. They took one of the “Minute Men” and had him live with a family of illegal aliens. I can honestly say it touched me and kind of made me feel bad for what I have. Not because I have it but because they aren't able to have it. This minute man moves in with a family of 7 people who live in a 500 sq ft 1 bedroom apartment. The family was so welcoming to a man who would like them to leave the country. At one point they have him go to Mexico to see what the reality is in Mexico and why they fled their home country.

The thing that inspired me the most was their oldest daughter. For being an illegal alien she was fighting hard to make herself the best she could. In fact, she even was ambitious enough to apply to Princeton. In the end she wasn't accepted to Princeton but did get into her second choice. What struck a cord with me was how hard she works. It kind of made me upset because I thought I had it hard but really I don't. Compared to her I have had everything handed to me. Just look at where I live, my 1 bedroom apartment is almost double the size of theirs and I don't have 7 people sharing the space.

The next episode I watched was about a straight guy moving to the Castro to live with a gay man. This one really reminded me of who I am and the reality in which I live. I am hated in this country. I am not hated by people who know me but by people who think they know me. And the people who think they know me justify their hate from a little book called the bible. I think the greatest sin is hating someone in the name of any god. If we were to follow the word in the bible we couldn't have wars because that too is a sin.

It bothers me how people pick and choose which they want to follow. If someone were willing to follow the bible word for word then I would be ok with that, knowing full well they would fail. I really wish someone would be honest and say they hate me because that is how their were raised and don’t know any better, because that would be honest. They don’t hate me because of the bible they hate me because they don’t understand.

At the end of both of these episodes the other person left with a changed mind. But what I find interesting is they both left with the words “take care”. Those are words I have said before, but I think they have a different meaning. When you see your best friend who lives down the street you don’t say take care, you say bye or see you later. But in this case they both probably would never see the other person again. To me the word take care is what you say to someone you care about but will never see again. I hate to say it but I have said those words to people I truly care about, but in the end will never see again.

I also did some painting today. I painted 3 similar paintings to hang over my couch. I am really excited with how they turned out, you will have to come see them. I am planning a house warming party some time in the next few weeks and I will make sure all those I care about are invited. If you don't get an invitation, sorry I don't like you. Ok just kidding, everyone is welcome.

More pics of my place!

2006-06-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

I am the most excited about having my own washer and dryer!

Still needy...

2006-06-25T11:12:00.000-06:00

My new place!

2006-06-24T15:58:00.000-06:00

Here are some pictures of my new place. It isn't all put together but doesn't look too bad! I painted the walls an orange color, which I like. And there is a picture from my living room that over looks the courtyard!

It's kind of like walking down the street with your large penis hanging out

2006-06-13T15:07:00.000-06:00

I was reading the magazine "Out", it helped me to realize what it means to be gay. From the ads you can get the whole gay life style in one magazine. The first ad is for alcohol, the social lubricant for most things. Really what would the party be without alcohol. The next ad was for a nice watch. Gay men are known for their great style, so this watch fits well. If you keep flipping you find a guy wearing very few clothes in some very nice underwear. I think it is one of the gay rules that you must have nice underwear, if you don't you can't be gay.

After the sexy guy in underwear you have an ad for an anti-depressant. Which is quite funny, it happens to be the one I take. I'm glad I got the gay one! I also find the placement of this ad kind of funny, it is after the sexy man in underwear. Clearly, not all gay men look like this guy. The anti-depressants are for all of us homos who will never fit that image. We need them to help us to be happy again. Once you have the happy pills you now need a nice car.

So of course the next ad is for a Volvo C70 (which is quite nice). A car is a great way to attract guys. It shows you statues and wealth so everyone can see it. It's kind of like walking down the street with your large penis hanging out, but without nudity. Once you get your sexy car you need a dog, so clearly K9 Advantix is the best ad to be next. This is seriously something I want to try, I want to buy a nice car and get a dog and go to the park. I am certain to come home with someone!

If you keep reading the next ad of course is for alcohol again, without that most of us would be lost and would never get laid. I have, however, forgotten the one aid that is repeated throughout all gay magazines. That is the ad for the HIV medication. I think the lesson here is if you have the nice car, cute dog, sexy clothes, and lots of alcohol you will get aids! Clearly I am joking, but I do think it is too bad that this is something that so many gay men have to face.

I do find it odd that in this whole magazine I didn't seen one ad for condoms. I guess gay men don't need condoms, or clearly we don't buy enough of them to be a large demographic for the condom companies. If you keep reading you will also come to a few ads for gay.com, because really where else can we meet guys. With all these ads you get the gay life style according to the covers of a magazine.

New Rule

2006-06-10T13:25:00.000-06:00

Until religions start to pay taxes they don't get a say in the political world. If you want to play politics you're gonna have to pay! Until then shut the fuck up!

Day from Hell...

2006-06-07T20:50:00.000-06:00

Have you ever gotten home after a hard days work and just thought to yourself, "wow that sucked"? Well that's where I'm at, today was not good. First, Monday I walked into a huge mess. People were talking and didn't know what the fuck they were talking about so I had to correct them and correct the original problem. I had Tuesday off and come in Today to find another complete mess. My produce team lead forgot to do the produce order, which is fucking huge! The sad thing is this is the 2nd time in a month that an order has been forgotten, I guess we didn't get it the first time. Today was so bad I needed a beer, ice cream, candy, and a blow job (I got almost all of what I needed)!

Clearly I need to be doing these things myself because I don't have a team I can count on. The problem is I am pulled all over the place during the day. I walk in and have to put out so many fires there is no time for anything else. I could work everyday 24 hours a day and still not clean up all the messes. So today I had enough. I am setting the standard, if they can't do it then they need to find another team. The food side at my store does 10 million a year, right now I feel like I am the only one working for that 10 million. I know I am not doing it all, but when shit hits the fan it all comes on me. The funny thing is when things go well it's a team effort.

This is the first time I have ever been challenged at work. And when I make it to the end I will have learned a lot. But right now I am feeling completely ineffective. But I have a plan, I am starting at the beginning and I am going to work to a place we need to be. That means getting everything started now and moving forward. If the team can't take it then they aren't right for the team.

I'd pay you a lot, you're worth it

2006-06-06T23:14:00.000-06:00

I was asked a few weeks back to go to D.C. and be apart of a group speaking to the Rock the Vote board. Rock the Vote has had some issues since the last presidential election. They over spent and are now down to only a few staff members. They have taken one of the largest and most recognizable non-profit groups and turned it into nothing. The group will be speaking on ways to improve Rock the Vote, and really to offer Rock the Vote how their demographic wants the group ran.

I would have to pay for my own travel and all that, but the only thing holding me back right now is not having anyone to go with. It is always more fun if you have others there to join in. I have been to many Rock the Vote functions and they are always fun, so I really do want to go. It's just a matter of find someone to join me.

I have been to D.C. a number of times but I have never done the tourist thing. I have seen a few highlights such as the Capital and the White House, but there is so much more I want to see. If I go this time I am going to be a real tourist. I want to see the holocaust museum the most. I have heard it is unbelievable. We will see what happens.

I was also reading a friends blog and he had this survey posted so I thought I would do it as well.

1. How old do you wish you were?
I would say 35, but then I should have a great career.

2. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was sleeping. I was in my dorm when my roommate came in and woke me up. I was kind of pissed because I really like to sleep. I can remember after that they posted a guard right at the entrance to Fort Douglas, he had a VERY large gun. I had to pass it everyday on my way back to the dorms. Having the guy with the gun there actually made me feel more unsafe.

3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Nothing, but it has happened to me twice lately!

4. Do you consider yourself kind?
More often than not I am very kind. However, there are times when I get pissed and I am not so kind. Right now one of my subordinates at work had made me not so kind. And yes subordinate is a harsh word, but really I am ready to put her in her place. She mustn't forget I decide how much money she makes! So yeah other than that I am usually kind.

5. What did you eat for breakfast today?
bread

6. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Somewhere on my body where no one could see it unless I were missing some key items of clothing. And really no one wants to see me missing some items of clothing.

7. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
French because I think it is sexy. However, for practical reasons Spanish would be the better language to learn.

8. Do you know your neighbors?
I don't. I have lived here for over a year and I have no clue who any of them are. And honestly, I have no urge to get to know them. When I move I will know one of my neighbors.

9. What do you consider a vacation?
Having a long number of days off in a row.

10. Do you follow your horoscope?
Nope.

11. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes I would...

12. Are you touchy feely?
Yep, I like hand holding and all that jazz.

13. Do you believe that opposites attract?
Yes, I think they balance one another.

14. Dream job?
I want a powerful job. I want the kind of job that I will need security at all hours and when I drive I have a motorcade. So if you know of any jobs like that, that are hiring please let me know.

15. Favorite channel(s)?
HGTV (How Gay TV)

16. Why do people always delete questions out of these?
Because they are stupid

17. Favorite place to go on weekends?
I don't have a favorite place to go, I think I should find one.

18. Showers or Baths?
Showers to get so fresh and so clean clean, but a bath to relax.

19. Do you paint your nails?
No.

20. Do you trust people easily?
I used to, but no I don't.

21. What are your phobias?
Spiders, Snakes, and being alone.

22. Do you want kids?
Not sure. It depends on if I had somebody to help me take care of the kid.

23. Do you keep a handwritten journal?
No, but I do keep a journal.

24. Where would you rather be right now?
Greece

25. Who makes you feel guilty?
Most things...

26. Heavy or light sleep?
Heavy

27. Are you paranoid?
Sometimes yes. I worry what others think about me way too much.

28. Are you impatient?
Yep, I do things so much better on my own.

29. Who can you relate to?
I haven't found that person I can relate to.

30. How do you feel about interracial couples?
I feel fine about them. How do you feel about same sex couples?

31. Have you been burned by love?
Yep, and I'm not ready to let that happen again.

32. What's your life motto?
Watch the play/movie "Rent", that is my motto towards life.

33. What's your ringtone on your phone?
It's a ring no music or any annoying shit.

34. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Just getting ready to lay down.

35. What did the last text message on your phone say?
"Yeah, (insert name) is lame. I'd pay you a lot, you're worth it" (that kind of sounds bad not knowing the context behind it)

36. Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine.

37. What color shirt are you wearing?
LOL, a pink shirt. It is solid pink. (I'm such a homo)

38. Most recent movie that you watched?
Charlie and the chocolate factory

39. Name three things that you have on you at all times.
Underwear, cell phone, and keys.

40. How much cash do you have on you right now?
$4, I am a debit card user.

41. What's your favorite town/city?
San Francisco

42. I can't wait to (til):
move.

43. Who got you to join myspace?
Rock the Vote. They were partnering with Myspace, so I was kind of forced to join.

44. What did you have for dinner last night?
Sandwhich, that I had left out because I had to have a "status" with someone at work.

45. When do you wanna get married?
When I find someone that loves me as much as I love them.

46. Who is the last person you spent $50 on?
Myself, fuck everyone else.

47. Do you have an air freshener in your car?
no, but I should get one.

48. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
No not really, just normal aches and pains.

49. If you could choose, how would you pass on?
While having the most amazing sex ever.

50. Any sex today? Alone? Or with someone else?
I practice self love as often as possible, but that isn't sex. So no.

51. Do you miss anyone?
I don't know what I feel. If I could turn of my "feeling" I would.

52. Do you like revenge?
Yes I like it, but does it make me feel good, no. Do I seek out revenge, no.

53. Know how to swim?
Yep, how can someone not know how to swim? I really don't remember learning I just have always been able to.

54. Do you know how to skate?
Skateboard, no. Roller/Ice skate yes.

55. Did you do sports in high school?
No.

56. If you could have one wish come true, what would it be?
The ability to make anything I wanted happen.

I'm moving!

2006-06-03T20:03:00.000-06:00

I move out into a really nice place on the 24th! I am so excited! That place is 750 square feet. It features a washer and dryer in the unit (no more quarters!), it has a balcony, it's NOT on the ground level, it has a fitness center, swimming pool, hot tub, club house, private parking, and a secured entrance. I will be moving the 23rd and 24th, if you can help please let me know!

The landlord at my old place are being ass holes though. They won't prorate that last months rent, even with 30 days written notice. So I told them I won't surrender the unit until the 30th. I'm not going to let them make me pay the full amount and then let them get it ready and have someone else move in on the 1st. So they won't be able to fill it until the 5th of next month, which kind of throws things off and will make it harder to rent. But if that's how they want it that's how it will be! If they were smart they would pro rate the rent, clean the place from the 25th to the 30th so it is ready by the 1st of the month.

My apartment is on the 2nd floor on the left side, it over looks the courtyard! (near the tree, nice and quiet!)

This isn't my exact unit but shows what they look like.

Life 101

2006-05-24T22:11:00.000-06:00

I found this on the net and kind of liked it, so I thought I would share. I also feel I must share my favorite new song with you. It is "Behind the Moon" by Matt Costa. Download it you just might like it.

Have a firm handshake.

Look people in the eye.

Sing in the shower.

Own a great stereo system.

Keep secrets.

Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

Always accept an outstretched hand.

Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

Whistle.

Avoid sarcastic remarks.

Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.

Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

Lend only those books you never care to see again.

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

When playing games with children, let them win.

Be romantic.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.

Be a good loser.

Be a good winner.

Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

Keep it simple.

Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets

Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.

Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

Once in a while, take the scenic route.

Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'

Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.

Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

Become someone's hero.

Marry only for love.

Count your blessings.

Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

Wave at the children on a school bus.

Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.

Don't expect life to be fair.

Some people suck...boring day.

2006-05-17T23:05:00.000-06:00

I went car shopping today. It had to be the worst experience ever. The guy wouldn't even give me the price of the car. He asked me how much I wanted to pay. Then told me the price would depend on the financing. I had to ask him a few times what the price of the car was and he never gave a clear answer. So I left, if the car doesn't have a real price then I don't want to buy it. This is why car sales men have such bad names.

Today I also put my deposit down on my new apartment. I happened to luck out, it was only a $350 deposit rather than the normal $500. She also showed me the apartment, it is pretty nice. It has a place for a washer and dryer, has a balcony, large tub that two people could fit in, and it will over look the court yard, so it will be pretty and quiet! It's also NOT on the ground floor so I can open the blinds without people being able to look in. The place also has a work out room, swimming pool, and club house so maybe I can lose a few more pounds (I'm getting fat). My day was kind of boring other than an email...

Guess what I found...

2006-05-12T19:50:00.000-06:00

Today in the mail I got a copy of the book "Found". The idea behind the book is for people to send in random things they find. It is very similar to postsecret but with found items. I started looking in it and learn something.

One of the found letters was a break up note. The letter talks about not wanting to see the other person because they just found out they are related. Yeah it's probably best that they not see each other, seeing as how they are related. At the end of the letter it is signed "Love Always". I have decided that break up notes should never be signed with the word love in it, no matter what context it is used. If you loved (excluding the part about them being related) that person you wouldn't be breaking up with them. So you cannot sign break up letters "Love Always". I will hate you forever or I never want to see you again, those are both acceptable.

Letters like this are also very personal so more needs to be done to prevent them from ending up in books like Found. If you have some please keep them to yourself, unless of course they are so juicy we all need to read them. All kidding aside, I find it so interesting being able to look into random people's lives and read things they may not have wanted others to read.

Here are some random found things that I liked.

Man tries to run down cops while I got sunburned...

2006-05-09T20:58:00.000-06:00

I have another story to add to the interesting events that have happened to me at Target. This one is probably the best. You can watch your evening news for more information.

Today we went golfing, which I completely suck at. It wasn't until the last hole that I finally did well. I also got a little red, which hopefully will turn into a tan. While we were golfing some very interesting things happened.

First the district manager decided to walk the store. He knew that all of the executives would be out of the building, yet he still picked today to visit. His visit did not go well. In fact, it was really bad. So that sucked.

After we found out that he had walked the store we went back to get our things and head home for the day. While we were coming back we saw some police officers driving very fast past us. There was also a helicopter in the sky. Not thinking much of it we walked in the store. As we got to the door we saw our Assets Protection people and asked them what was up and why there was a helicopter circling the building. Little did we know they were there for us.

While we were gone our staff had caught someone shop lifting. He happened to have a knife on him so they called the police, which is what they are supposed to do. When the shop lifter left the building and the cops tried to stop him he ran. This literally caused a high speed chase. Not only did the guy run but he tried to run over a cop. This all happened while we were golfing with no store executives in the building. I can add that to the paramedics having to be called twice, a bomb scare, and now an armed shop lifter who tries to kill a cop. Good times!

Wanted Man Allegedly Tries To Run Down Cop

(KUTV) SALT LAKE CITY A man who was wanted for shoplifting ends up in serious trouble for allegedly assaulting an officer.

Salt lake county sheriff's deputies arrested 24-year-old Shayne Steele after they say he led them on a chase through cottonwood heights.

Deputies say Steele and his wife were wanted in suspicion for shoplifting at the fort union target store.

Then when a deputy tried to confront Steele in his car he allegedly tried to run over the deputy.

Deputies are still looking for Steele's wife, Kimberly Perry. She is wanted for shoplifting.

In other news...Guys are damn horny. He needs to get laid worse than me. Help a Virgin That link is for a guy who is trying to get laid. I am not sure if it is real, but it is funny. He has a myspace page with a lot of positive comments. Clearly sex is the path to peace in this world. Let's all fuck.

Gay Pride

2006-05-07T22:11:00.000-06:00

Gay pride is coming up soon. The sad part is I am very torn with going or not. At this point I do have to work, which I kind of like. It gives me an excuse not to go. That being said part of me does want to go. Last year was my first gay pride ever. I did 2 in one months time. Both were really fun, but things have changed a little since then. I don't really have anyone I want to go with. Yes I could go with some friends, but going leads to another problem. It is VERY likely that I would spot someone that would make me uncomfortable. I also don't want to ruin pride for that person. I was also able to go to San Francisco Pride last year, and there is no way the Salt Lake Pride could come close to the amount of fun I had in San Francisco.

Part of me wants to say fuck it and go and have a great time and not even think about what could happen. I need to live my life and shouldn't worry about who I run into. But should I run into someone I know it would be odd. I have had an uncomfortable run in at a restaurant. Part of me wanted to pick up and leave but the other half knew I needed to stay. I was there eating just as they were so there was no reason for me to leave. But the whole meal was the most uncomfortable thing I have experienced. Now pride would be different than a restaurant, at pride I would be free to move as far away as I choose, while still having fun. I know most people are going to tell me to go and not even give it another thought, but it's not that easy.

I placed my order!

2006-05-06T08:43:00.000-06:00

I was looking online to order some checks when I saw the "satire" section. Thinking there may be some funny checks in there I decided to take a look. What I found was quite surprising. They literally sell pro choice checks. Yes that is a check design with a pro choice message on them. It also includes a leather check holder that says "Thou Shall Not Kill". Now I am being totally serious. I have come to find out this company has a whole line of religious checks.

Clearly there are some odd people out there that feel that they must get their message out in any way possible, including check designs. I wonder if when presenting one of these checks it also includes a discussion on your views of abortion. The checks probably come with a stipulation that if you aren't pro choice you can't have the money. If some one where to hand me a check like this I would be tempted to rip it up. I wonder how many checks like these have been used for donations at Republican fund raisers, because they would sure fit in well. I have yet to find the pro gay rights check design or the pro abortion (pro choice) check design, but when I do I will let you know! We can all order our pro choice checks and spread the word!

I've been in the club.

2006-05-02T14:17:00.000-06:00

In my last post I wrote about every homo needing to watch "The Broken Hearts Club", and if you have seen it to watch it again. I seriously meant that! I figured I should probably clarify why I feel everyone needs to see it. The movie is about a group of gay friends and the guys they date. You have the pretty boy, "newbie", gym bunny, and the normal less attractive gay guy.

The reason I think everyone should watch it is because gay guys do a lot of the things they do in the movie. In the movie the "newbie" falls for the first guy who shows him any attention. This is something I have done, which didn't work so well. You also have the pretty boy who thinks he is better than the normal guy. The normal guy over compensates by putting his friends down. This is also something I have done. I didn't feel like I was a pretty boy so I rejected most gay people. I figured all homos must be stuck up assholes (some are). This group of friends also has a problem with saying things that aren't needed and are quite rude to one another. This is another thing I have done. When I get mad my first instinct is to go for the low blow in order to take them out right away. This is also something that has been done to me as well. So yes we all need to watch this movie again.

I have also been thinking about Karma today. I am not sure if I believe it or not. One can think about our world and how balanced it is at times. For example if you live an unhealthy unbalanced life style you will end up not feeling well as a way for your body to say something is wrong. Also think about how well planned things are such as our bodies and what we eat. We need certain things to live and we just happen to have those things in our environment to fill those needs such as food and water. Now it would be an amazing thing if all of those things just happened, which may be the case. But if they just happened it shows there is some balance to our world.

Today I was posed with the question about my actions and my Karma. I was told I can do anything I want but I must be willing to take the bad/good karma they could cause. I also have been thinking about the success I have had recently in many areas. There was a time when many of these areas were drastically lacking. There was also a time when I had someone in my life and now that area is drastically lacking. So I can see that my life is balancing out. There were a few months when I thought everything had hit bottom but really I was just setting myself up for the current success. The question is when will I be able to find that balance between everything. Rather than having one area extra successful and one area completely lacking I want to have it all balanced. I am not sure what I need to do to find that balance. Anyway...

All homos must do this now!

2006-05-01T23:00:00.000-06:00

Next week I get to do something I have never done before. That is I am going golfing for work. Yes, seriously I am going to be paid to go golfing. The only problem with this is I have no clue how to golf. I didn't know companies still did that where everyone goes golfing as a way to get to know one another. But really what the hell do I care, they are paying me to golf. I just have to figure out how to play golf in a week and hope I don't make a complete ass out of myself.

Today I also ordered my very first business cards. And for those that already have business cards I am sure this isn't exciting. But remember back to your first real job and your first business card, it is kind of exciting. I really don't know who would want one of my business cards other than people I know just to show off. But I guess they see some need for me having them. I feel like I have finally found a good job. And really I have, there is a lot of room for growth within the company and with my salary.

I also watched "The Broken Hearts Club" again today. It is a homo movie about men and love. I think every homo must watch it, and if you have already watched it you need to watch it again. On the second go around please take notes because clearly there are a lot of homos who missed some of it. There is a whole story I could go into about what the homos I know have missed, but I won't (that one person out there shouldn't get offended, not everything is about them). And if you think you are one that has missed something maybe you are or maybe you aren't. Watch the movie again for yourself and figure out what you could do better and what you already do well at. Seriously, all homos must do this now.

Who are you?

2006-04-28T11:12:00.000-06:00

I have a site counter on my blog, so I know people read it. The only problem is I don't know who they are! And really it drives me mad. I have some very loyal readers, but I want to know who you are? I know some of them, I know Megan, Robert, and Sadie read it, but the rest I am lost. So if you are reading this I would love to know who you are? I also would love to know why people read this blog? I am kind of boring without many interesting things to say.

This past weekend I went to the movies with a friend and watched "Thank you for smoking". This is a Sundance Film about the spokesperson for big tobacco. It is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. After watching I felt I needed to go light up. If you ever wanted to be a lobbyist you must watch this film.

I have two weeks left of Executive training and then I will finally be placed in a store. The training has gone very well. In the past weeks I have had some interesting things happen. I have met the VP for Target and the FOS for Target, both of which are pretty high position at our corporate office. It is kind of funny, with both of their visits I was mistaken as a corporate guy because the people in the stores had no clue who I was and I happened to pop in each store just as they were visiting.

There is one sad thing about being in my position at work. I have met some cute guys who happen to be gay. The problem is I am over them, which creates an dilemma. I am not allowed to date people below me or people who I supervise (at any time I may be the supervisor of the store and all 250+ team members). If I started dating one of them we would have to work at different stores or one of us must quit. I guess it is probably best to have these rules though, mixing work and relationships never works well. It has kind of scared me from getting to know some of them, I don't want to give off he image that I am interested or flirting with any of them. It sucks though, because I would like to start dating again. I haven't really gone out since last year (yeah a few dates here and there, but nothing serious). It is time!

So anyway, that is my boring life update.

My ego.

2006-04-24T23:10:00.000-06:00

My ego is getting pretty big at work. I have to make sure I don't let it get out of control. I was walking in the store the other day and a guest came up to me and asked me if I was the manager. Funny thing is, I was! That says clearly I am doing something right that it is easy to tell who is leading the store. That is one of the things I have been told I need to do. I need to make sure that if someone walks in the store they can tell who the Executives are and who the team members are.

I was also in a different store today and when I walked in people thought I was someone from corporate office. They got a little scared for a minute, because tomorrow they are having some corporate executives in the store doing an inspection. When I walked in and started walking the floor and asking "Can I help you find something" it scared them. A few of the team members made a point to come introduce themselves, thinking I was someone special. I had to disappoint them because I am special, just not that special.

I have enjoyed my training so far, no two days have been alike as of yet (I am sure at some point they will). By the time I am done with my training I will have worked in every store except for West Jordan and the new South Jordan store. Tomorrow I get to go to Orem at 6 am, which I am not looking forward to. It seems every time I have to travel to the furthest stores I have to be there quite early and can't sleep the night before. Anyway, I was bored and this is all I had to write about, sorry it's boring.

Peeps are gross!

2006-04-23T16:20:00.000-06:00

(Not my postcard)

I have kind of been feeling down lately. I know why and I am going to fix it. I haven't been to the therapist in awhile because of scheduling conflicts with my new job. I also stopped taking the medication I was on because I didn't think it was working. Since then I have kind of started feeling how I once did. I figured I probably should start again, it may have been helping more than I knew. It's kind of lonely living alone sometimes. But hey, it is all good!

In other news, I have had some very interesting things happen to me at work. One of the first days I was leading the store we had a lost child and a kid fall out of a shopping cart. We had to call the paramedics for the kid who fell. Then a few days later, once again I was leading the store and we had a staff member have a stroke. Once again the paramedics had to be called to the store and she was rushed to the hospital. Then last night, once again I was leading the store and we had a suspicious package left in front of the building. No one knew who put it there or what was in it. So once again we had to call the police. This is starting to become routine to have some emergency crew at the store. I guess it is good training though, because no one can teach you how to react in situations such as these.

Sorry but you can't have my money.

2006-04-19T21:20:00.000-06:00

At one point in my life I worked for a political organization. With this work I met many people, I traded phone numbers, emails, and joined many mailing lists. Recently some of those trades have found me again. Yesterday I had some missed calls from a number I didn't know. The way I do things is if you aren't in my phone book then I probably don't want to talk to you, so I don't answer. I started looking back and noticed I had a few missed calls from the same number (801-363-9449 call it see who answers) but they didn't leave a message, so that made me wonder.

My logic was they must have something important to tell me or they wouldn't have called again. So me being bold, maybe a little stalkerish (I'll let you pick), I decided to call the number the back. When I called someone picked up, which I wasn't prepared for (I had no idea what I was going to do should someone answer). They started in with the whole thing they say when answering phones. It was a workers union (Jobs with Justice) calling me to donate money. I kind of felt dumb after calling them, I had to play dumb like it was an accident that I dialed the number.

I do have one question about the group Jobs with Jusitce, are they the ones who have been picketing Oakland Construction with the "shame on you" signs? Because really I think that group needs to give up, they have been picketing for years and clearly it has helped. They even picket Target because we use Oakland Construction. The protestors also need to work on their PR. They have been doing this for years and it wasn't until a week ago I found out why they were protesting. If you have that much determination you should try to get your message out there more than just a "shame on you" sign.

I haven't been involved with a political group in awhile, yet they all still want my money. And they aren't the only ones who call. Thanks to Arlyn I get the calls from the Democrats (probably won't get my money either). I also get things from Rock the Vote trying to get me to give money. Now these are all great groups and if I could I would donate money. But really I like my money right now and I would like to keep it. There is no need to go donating it, buying things is way more fun!

Also, as for the peeling tongue I did some research it is most likely caused by a nutrition deficiency. I have discovered the tongue is the "gateway to our digestive track" and you can tell problems just from looking at the tongue. I have started taking a multi-vitamin to help fix the problem.

No shit, there I was...with a peeling tongue.

2006-04-18T20:27:00.000-06:00

So no shit, there I was on 700 East 2300 South, which if you know where I live isn't anywhere close to my place. I was down there shopping. I was gathering my things, I had my cell phone, my ipod, some papers, my wallet, I had everything. I stepped out of my car and shut and locked the door, only to realize I had forgotten something in my car. Clearly I didn't have it all, I was missing my keys. Now I knew where they were, they were nicely locked inside my car! From the window I could see them sitting on the seat.

This just basically ruined my day! I tried breaking into the car, someone even gave me a coat hanger. I was able to get it in the car but couldn't hit the button with it. I even called the police to see if they could help, but I was informed they aren't allowed to any more, so I had to call a lock smith. $55 later I can now drive my car once again. I would like to thank Megan, she was the only person in my phone book that got the text message that offered to help me! So thanks Megan. I didn't need any help because I had already called the lock smith, but it was nice of you to offer.

After gaining access to my car once again I was off to Smith's to do some shopping. I needed to buy some things for lunch for the next few days. While shopping I went down the pasta aisle looking for pasta sauce. I found some that was "meat flavored". It didn't have any meat in it, but it had "meat flavor". I would like to ask you, what the fuck is meat flavor. Either it has meat in it or it doesn't, how do you get "meat flavor"? I ended up buying the one with meat flavor because I like meat. I did, however, come home and make the pasta and add real meat it. It was pretty good, but who the fuck knows how you get meat flavor without having meat in it?

Also, my tongue has started peeling. This has happened to me twice over the past few weeks. And when I say peeling, I mean large chunks of skin are coming off my tongue. It isn't that I need to brush my tongue or anything because I do that daily. I even use a tongue scraper (yeah too much information). I don't know why this has happened, it doesn't hurt or anything so I am clue less. Have you ever had this problem? Should I be worried?

Hmmmm nothing more nothing less

2006-04-12T22:43:00.000-06:00

Hmm....That is how I feel right now (if one can feel hmm). Do you ever just wonder about everything? What if this had happened, what if I do this what will happen... No not regrets or anything like that just reflection. I have been thinking a lot of my choices and the choices I have for tomorrow. Our choices are what make us up, sometimes they work out and other times they don't, yet they all build tomorrow.

I know someone that died in a car accident a few days back, his funeral was yesterday. It made me think of my own mortality. I will not be on this planet forever, I better damn well make it good while I can. He was only 25 years old, which is way too young! I started thinking about life and how one minute a person can be filled with energy and the next that energy is all gone. For me that is odd to think, I cannot understand death at all. Really I don't think anyone can understand death.

I started talking with my mom about death and I told her that I do not believe we can have the knowledge as to what happens when we die. That is something we can never know, and anyone who thinks they can is quite honestly arrogant. I have said this so many times, but I can't know what happens tomorrow, a week, a year, or when I die. What makes anyone think they can understand the end? There is no way to know the end until you get there. And once you are there that is it, there is no turning back to tell the rest of us (none that I can know about anyway).

It has also made me start to think of the randomness in life. The question is do we have a plan on this earth or are we all just here. Honestly for me it depends on the day as to which one I pick. Some days things just happen that make me think wow, something else had to help in this situation. But then there are times we things happen for no reason I can understand, so that makes me wonder if we are just here. Right now I am kind of thinking we are just here. We make choices but really it is random as to what will happen next. The choices of everyone else combined determines what will happen next. That's what scares me, no matter how hard we plan and lay out the course there will always be bumps and detours. The question becomes how do we navigate those detours without getting lost of the path or final goal? So yeah............

Clearly I should spend less time in philosophy classes, this is what they cause. Pondering questions that can never be answered, yet wanting so much to understand. That wanting to understand life is where people (Not me but other people) cling onto religion. They feel it answers the questions to their life. Maybe in the end all of the answers are correct it's just a matter of when they're correct, but really who knows?

I have made mistakes, but I have moved on.

2006-04-09T13:23:00.000-06:00

I know I shouldn't post this and I wasn't going to write about it because really it isn't worth my time, but I felt it had to be said. Also, for those that find this blog boring this will sure liven it up (Kenny).

This year has by far been the most interesting year I have ever had. I kind of went mad for a few months there, I found a new job, and am now doing pretty well. One aspect that made it interesting was my former relationship with someone. He and I had a VERY bad break up, which I take complete responsibility for up until a few weeks back. But I do not take responsibility for any thing that has happened recently.

I will say it once again I have said and done things that are crazy. I am aware of it, learned from it, and moved on from it.

In an effort to move on I stopped speaking, emailing, texting or any of that to this person. I would also like to point out this is the first time I have posted about this person in weeks. Then one day out of the blue I get a text message from them. I didn't ask for it or give them a reason to message me. In the message it asked which Target store I worked at so he could avoid running into me. First that is just rude! Second if this person is worried about running into me then Target probably isn't the best place for you or your friends to shop. That is where I work and would like to avoid any issues that may arise.

I am also going to say that should I see any of those people in the store and they cause a problem, I will have you kicked out of the building and not allow you back. And yes I can do that. This is where I work and I am not going to let anyone fuck around with my job.

In the text he also asked about getting the deposit back for our old apartment. Which is fine, I make enough money that I am more than willing to give it back to you. If you remember I already told you I would. That being said, it is going to be awhile before you get it. I do not remember your exact mailing address. Yes there was a time when you gave it to me, but I didn't keep it. I don't want to know what it is right now because that is how accusations are brought about. So the less information we both have about each other the better.

Then yesterday I logged into my blog and noticed an anonymous comment from someone that said "Yawn". Now this person clearly didn't know that I can see who leaves anonymous comments, so I know for certain who left it. If he or anyone else would like the proof I would be happy to provide it (I will not make accusations I cannot prove). Now the comment isn't that big of a deal, but once again it is quite rude. It just wasn't called for and I am at a loss as to why it was left by this person. Once again I haven't spoken to them in weeks or made any contact with them so I have no idea where it came from. I also must ask the question, if my blog is boring why read it?

Now neither of these things are that big of a deal. However, I wish we both could remember that there was a time when we liked one another. I know that time has passed and can NEVER happen again. The choices we both have made have lead us to the position we are now in and we must live with that. I have stopped all my bullshit and have moved on. I have nothing but good things to say about this person and wish him well with his future endeavors. He is an intelligent person and will go far. I just hope one day he can remember that we did like each other at some point in time.

I don't deserve to be treated like an asshole now or ever. Just as you do not deserve to be treated that way either. I am sorry for anything I have done to you. I know that doesn't make it right and is not enough for you to forgive me, but I do hope that is enough for both of us to stop the bullshit and move on.

First review

2006-04-09T13:03:00.000-06:00

So this Friday I got my first review from Target. Every executive I worked with or trained me got to review me. We also got to review each other in our learning group and all the other executives. The other executives said I was good at driving change, meaning I can get people do what I need them to. They also said I am good at thinking critically and building trust. All of which are really good. The other people in my group said similar things. The one recurring comment my group gave me was that I am "all knowing" (and not in a bad way). They felt that I was someone that if they had a question they could come to me and I would know the answer. I thought that was pretty good, because that is something I strive to do is know as much as I can. That is something I did at the hotel, I could answer almost any question. They also said I was great at articulating a message. Most of my review was positive. There was one thing that wasn't.

Someone in my group said that I "need to learn to value diversity". That one pissed me off! My group was filled with middle aged white males or females. I was the youngest and the only one that was different. Now I never came out and said I'm a homo, but it is clear sometimes. There was another gay guy I met and he and I got a long great and talked a lot. I honestly don't know how they could think that I don't value diversity. I am the only diverse one in the group. So I think they were completely off with that comment. I also was told that I need become comfortable with ambiguity. Which I completely disagree with, if something is unclear I want to look at it and find out as much as possible. They are right, I am not ok with things that are unclear and never will be.

For the most part the review was very positive, it was that one comment that I was confused with. But like someone told me that if that is the impression I give off then clearly I need to work on something. And they are probably right, I do not value mormons I guess that could be why I don't value diversity.

I'm a blood clot!

2006-04-06T20:22:00.000-06:00

So how many Target Executives does it take to clean a shelf? 8, 7 to watch and 1 to clean the shelf (Not even joking).

Today I did something that was quite interesting, we got to comp shop other stores in the area. We went to a Walmart and a Best Buy. It's kind of funny, every where we go we all match. We have the red shirts and khaki pants on. We have even been called a blood clot because we only move in a large group of red. So while walking through Walmart and Best Buy we got some odd looks. At Walmart people even asked us if we worked there or if we could help them. Clearly Walmart needs to hire some more people if their customers have to ask Target staff for help. Walmart also has learned a few things from Target. They are now offering "Trend Runs" in some newer Walmarts. They have brought in a few designers to appeal to a higher end market, which is what Target does.

Today I learned that Target is the store that sets the prices in the market for many similar items found at both stores. We set our price then others like Walmart will go a few cents under our price. And when I saw a few cents that is all it is. Of the items we looked at they were either the same price or Walmart was 2 cents less. Really Walmart isn't offering much savings. I also learned that Best Buy has one of the largest shrink problems in retail. Because of the items and the numbers of staff that go through their stores, employee theft is very high.

I start training at a few more stores on Monday, I will also find out my official assignment on Friday. If you ever pop into a Target let me know, I may be there. I have been to most of them so you never know where I might be.

Executive Payroll

2006-04-04T23:59:00.000-06:00

We have looked over payroll over the past few days. Payroll is one the largest items in the store that is controllable, so it affects your bottom line the most. I noticed one thing about the payroll that I found quite interesting. Of the money that is spent in payroll much of it goes to pay an elite 10, rather than the 250 + hourly employees. The 10 executives in the building make about half as much money as the 250+ hourly employees make. For example in a month the 250 hourly employees could be paid 100K distributed between all of them, while the executives will have 50K distributed between 10 people. I can't say that is all my money or anything like that because that does include the main store manager who makes quite a bit of money. On average the executives will make about $5000 (+/- depending on position) a month in salary, while each hourly member would only make about 400 a month (these are not exact numbers). You do also have to keep in mind that the stores do employ a lot of part time hourly employees who work as cashiers and things like that so that does change the numbers.

But I find it really interesting the distribution of money. If you are an hourly employee you aren't making much. If you paid 20 executives they would make about as much as 250 hourly employees make. I do feel bad because there are people making that money that have families to support. While my biggest concern is buying an Audi A4 (which I will have soon). At the same time all of the choices we make lead to where we are at now. I guess I made one right move somewhere in the past and I don't have to be one of the 250 hourly employees any more. I guess this is my socialist side coming out, because the distribution of wealth is quite skewed. But I guess this is where reality meets theory. In theory I would love to help support everyone so people are equal, but in reality we are all concerned with ourselves first. Yes that is selfish, but that is reality!

Are you a dog?

2006-04-03T22:36:00.000-06:00

I have been through a lot of training the last three weeks. From this training I have learned that you must immediately reward workers for doing good things and correct those that do bad things. The funny thing is this is the same thing that is done to train dogs. I have a friend who has a puppy. We were at his place and the dog did some good things so he rewarded him. The dog also started barking so he had to correct him. This is essentially what I get paid to do. I am paid to correct behavior both good and bad. It is kind of sad that the training goes back to how you train a dog though.

Today I also had to do something that sucked. At Target they have some nice furniture. Target also likes to change their stock quite frequently so they can always have fresh and trendy items. There is a really nice desk set at the store that I wanted to buy. The sad thing is they were all sold out and we aren't carrying them any more. The sad thing is I had to destroy a perfectly good piece of furniture. A piece of furniture that I would have gladly paid for. But because it was a display piece it had to be destroyed. I had a to watch a REALLY nice desk get destroyed in the compactor. It was perfectly fine they just don't want any liability issues or theft issues. I wish they would donate those things though rather than destroy them.

But such is life, some times the things we want have to be destroyed! I'm sure I will find a desk set that I like just as much or I can go online and buy the one I wanted. So I will have to see what I can find.

I caught one!

2006-03-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty fun day. We had our District Assets Protection Team Leader (DAPTL) in the store. He was going over shopping lifting and all that kind of stuff. We all had just gotten back from lunch and went out on the floor to talk about common things that criminals will do. As we started to walk the store we got a call over the radio that someone they had spotted shop lifting a few days back was in the store again. So we all run to the control room.

Our DAPTL and another manager quickly got out of their Target clothes and went to the floor to watch the guy. The 6 of us and another uniformed officer stayed in the control room and watched him on camera. We watched him as he started picking out items and then would walk to the back of the store and shove them down his jacket. We could see it clear as day. He did this three times with three items. All this time we were watching him on camera and the other two managers were watching him on the floor.

He finally started to walk to the front of the store and try to leave. As we was leaving the two managers ran in to grab him. In the process a random lady got in the way, so one of them lightly moved her aside so he could grab the guy. After they grabbed him they walked him back to the office for the large welcome committee. He was greeted by 6 executives and one uniformed officer, which would be quite intimidating.

They sit him down and start talking to him. They ask him for the things he had taken, but he refused. Finally he gave up one item. We all knew he had a total of 3. So they kept pushing and pushing and he finally gave up all the items. He then started to go on about how he can't go to jail. He would do anything not to go jail, he was willing to pay for it. He wanted to go to his car so he could get more money. As he said this he stood up, which caused the other two guys to grab him and sit him back down. This is all happening with us watching it in amazement.

They finally asked his why he was shop lifting? His answer was "Because you told me to". We all thought he was crazy when he said that. Why would Target ask you to shop lift? So they asked him again, "Target asked you to shop lift"? His answer was "yes, it's good training for the new executives". By this time we had all realized what had happened. We had been deputed. The shop lifter was fake, he works for Target. They had him come in so we could see what it is really like to catch a shop lifter. It was quite exciting! We had no clue it was all fake.

The training was really good though. We got to see real video tapes of things that have happened in other Target stores. I saw a real armed robbery, a car breaking though a store to get to an employee to kill them, and a car bomb set off to blow up a store. They were all real things that have happened. It was kind of scary though, there may be a time when I am the one in charge of handling a situation like those.

I also learned yesterday skills of how to fire people. I can think back to working at the hotel, if some of the things that happened at the hotel happened at Target people would have been fired. Target doesn't fuck around with things. You get so many warnings and that is it. We also talked about key control. I will have keys and code and things like that. If I were to ever lose my key it would be an immediate final warning, meaning if I fuck up again I would be fired. Also depending on how close I am to the store I work at, if an alarm went off in the middle of the night I would have to go investigate the alarm. I was told that if that happened I needed to bring someone else with me. This made me start to think, who would I drag with me at 3 am for a false alarm? If you ever get a call for me, I am sorry! That's a lot of pressure. So that was my week, it has been quite interesting. My advice is never to shop lift, especially in Target.

It's not a game any more.

2006-03-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

So I am a little annoyed today with work. I am in what is called a learning group, which is a group of people who are training to be in my same position through out our district. Of the people in the group I am the youngest and one of the only 2 that is new to Target. So everything I do is creating a first impression for all of my higher ups. We have been given a project to go over the company's donations and look at our grant process. We also get to look for other non-profit groups that would fit into our giving guidelines and recommend a group to give money to. For me this is something I like doing, I have been on the other side with the non-profit. It is really nice to be the one to be able to give out that money.

The problem that has come up is one of the guys in my group left early today without helping. He has the same position as the rest of us, so he should be helping us. I got a little mad because he has been there for 4+ years so he better start taking this serious. If this goes bad, it hurts me more than any of them. Every other person in my group has a history with Target, except for me. So I can't fuck up. Target is a competitive place, and if you haven't noticed I am stepping up my game. I want to make sure I am doing well and that I stand out in a positive light, which will help me make more money!

We also have a "know it all" in the group, and no it isn't me. She is brand new to Target yet thinks she has all the answers. She also tries to lead us, which doesn't work well. She does it in a way that is totally patronizing, like talking down to us. When she gets into a store and takes over leadership, she is going to have issues. The moment anyone tries to correct her is going to cause problems. In Target if you can't take constructive criticism you will fail.

I do feel very good about getting this job. Target is a huge company that makes 50 billion a year. Their interview process, background screening, and hiring process is very intensive. I had 6 interviews with Target and had to fill out a test, which includes a logic portion. I have a friend who applied and was turned down. Target is also big on having their staff from within move up, so for me to enter the company brand new says something about me. Yes I am building my ego, but I need that right now. There are only two people total in my learning group that are new, the rest have years of experience. So I entered into a position that it took someone 4 years to get to. That makes me feel pretty damn good. This huge corporation saw something in me that they wanted on their team. They have a lot of people apply for this position, but I made it! Some may be thinking this is just Target, but it isn't. This is the real thing for real money.

It is funny though, we are all trying to jockey into position. Some are tying to do it by knowing everything, others want to do it because they have been there for years. For me I want to do it with my work. I want to make sure that everything I do "exceeds" their expectations (old hotel thing). And as Sadie knows, I am good at going above and beyond. That is why tonight I am getting everything together for our project, I won't let us fail. That is also why my poster is already finished, and looks damn good! I want people to talk about my work in a positive way long after I am finished with the training.

I also met my first homo the other day. He is the logistics guy in Riverdale. It was kind of funny we both picked up that the other was a homo right away. I don't know what it is, maybe I am a flaming homo, but some people can tell. It was good that I met him though. I was able to talk about my worries about being open to everyone, but he said I would be fine. Target even has a LGBT network within Target. I am also completely protected with rights and benefits being gay. I can also offer my partner (should I ever find one) health benefits and things like that. I also have to find a mentor within the company, someone who can help lead me where I need and want to be. I think he will be a good option, he will be a store manager soon so he has the experience and I can learn a lot from him.

There are some random facts that I have discovered about Target. I bet you never knew this but Target has its own forensic lab. This is so good that police agencies come to them for help in cases. Target being extra nice does the work for them for free. And this isn't me trying to talk them up, they literally were able to put a tape recording back together, one that NASA couldn't even fix. They started this lab as a way to investigate crimes within their stores. So clearly you should not shop lift in Target, they have a lab that will come after you!

So that's the update of the day. I am in the process of buying a new car, I think it's going to be an Audi! I figure I may as well get the car I want so I don't end up wanting a new one right away.

My brand. (It sounds like I am running for office, I hope I get your vote!)

2006-03-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Target likes to push their brand. When you walk into a Target there are some things you can expect. With the Target Brand people expect good prices, trendy products, wide variety, and a helpful staff. You also have their logo, motto (expect more pay less), and mascot (dog with the bulls eye). These things all make up their brand.

As a part of my managers training I had to come up with my own personal brand. The idea behind this is to come up with the things that I am made of and the things that make me stand out from everyone else. We will then present the posters we make to all of the store managers and district manager as away for each of them to get to know us. I wanted to make sure that my poster stands out from everyone else, so I figured making a real poster that wasn't just glued together would work well. I also wanted it to look professional and have a similar look to some of the things that Target does with their marketing.

Target is big on leadership, they don't call their managers managers we're all called leaders, so that is the theme I picked. This poster is my way of selling myself to everyone else. So here it is, I started with a white page and this is what I created. Let me know what you think, also if you seen any major errors let me know so I can fix it. Would you buy/hire me if you could? (It will be bigger than this, printed on 11x17 glossy paper)

Target...

2006-03-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

Things have been going well with Target. It is very interesting, today was my first day that I had to correct people's behavior. They are very big on guest service at Target, so when you walk in and around the store people should be asking if they can help you. We were watching people to see what they do well and what they don't do well. One girl we happened to be watching wasn't doing what she needed, so I had to go correct her. I did kind of feel bad, I am just some guy who has been in the store for 3 days and I was telling her what she did wrong. Her excuse was that she didn't feel well, and my response to that is if you don't feel well and can't help the guests then maybe you should go home. I also had a guy who laid a shelf across the floor so if people walked by they would have to step over it or trip, both of which are bad. Now I probably sound like a complete ass but I was told to do it and it is my job to do.

All of the hourly employees know that all of the managers are in the store, if I were in their shoes I would be on my best behavior. With all of us in the store there are an additional 7 or so managers in the store at one time. When we are all there we pick the store apart, so you have to be on your game. The store does have some really good team members, one of the guys in electronics is all over this service stuff. Target is also very big on firing bottom performers, if you can't hack it your out. The same goes for executives, so I have to be on my game. At some point I am going to have to fire someone, which is a scary thought but will have to be done.

Today we talked about being fired and promoted. Target has pay levels, I am currently on pay level 8 (I skipped 1-7), in my same position I can go up to level 10 and then to level 12. When going from 8 to 10 the store team leader can give you that raise based on performance. When going from a level 10 to 12 requires you to re-interview with our corporate office. But the jump to level 12 pays around 95K a year, which is pretty nice! Those pay levels are all in the same position, the only thing hire than my position in a store is the store team leader (STL or General Manager), which is on a hire pay scale than 12. The store team leader also gets a larger portion of the executive bonus, which from what I hear they make a lot money. The store team leader will make well over 95K a year. Who knew Target paid so well?

They also caught another shop lifter today, that is about 1 a day since I started. Clearly you shouldn't shop lift at Target, you will be caught. I am not sure why people are dumb enough to do it though. I found out today that most shop lifters at this Target are middle aged women, which surprised me.

So there is my life update, sorry it was all about Target. I have been spending almost half my day in the store so that is what is on my mind.

First day.

2006-03-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day at Target. It went well, but was long. I spent all day in a conference room, and literally didn't see the outside until I left for the day. You would be surprised how competitive Target is. Once I enter my position and take control I will be ranked with all the other people in my district who are in my position. I thought that was kind of interesting, because I would hate to be the person on the bottom. They use this ranking system to determine who is next for a promotion. Target is also very big on reviews. I will be reviewed once a month. During my training I will be reviewed by every person who trains me, everyone else in my training group, and reviewed by myself. I also in turn get to review each of them. So they are very up front with what you do well and what you need to work on. I like this though, because I can see where I need to work on and fix that. This training will be very good, by the time I am done I will have been trained in every aspect of the store. Including the logistical parts of how the products come in and how they get to the floor. I also have to learn how to use all of the equipment, which includes some items I have never even heard of. They literally gave me a new bag filled with stuff I am going to need, I have more books than most college students. When speaking with anyone from Target you also have to learn their language before you can understand them. They all us acronyms for everything, it is almost like speaking in code. I am an ETL, who is in charge of TL's and GSTL, I also have an STL and DTL who is in charge of me. If I have an HR question I have to call the TMSC. For someone who is new, these things don't mean a damn thing!

I have learned that I am pretty damn lucky to be in this position. Of the people who were hired there are only a total of two who are from outside of Target, the rest are people who have worked there for years. So really I am entering on the same level as some people who have worked there for 4+ years. There are some things I am afraid of though. At some point I will be what is call LOD, which means Lead on Duty. The reason this scares me is because they are responsible for opening and closing the store. That means I have to make sure every door in the building is locked and the alarm system is armed. From the stories the others told, that is pretty serious. I can understand why though, if I forgot to lock a door and we got robbed it would be my fault. They are so serious about this that you only get a few chances, if you forget a door too many times you will be fired. I also learned that because of my position I have to be very careful, I can be held liable for harassment. Meaning if I fucked up I could have to pay that person lost wages or things such as that. But really I think I will do well. I thrive on competition, there is no way I will be at the bottom of the ranking system!

I feel good! Yeah it is crazy I know.

2006-03-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

Most probably never thought emo Matt would say that, but yeah I feel good! I feel like things are moving forward. I have a new job, that pays well. I have found a new place to live that is VERY VERY nice. It has everything I want including a washer and dryer in the unit, a swimming pool, hot tub, and is in the downtown area. I am also slowly crawling out from under my debt (it will be gone in about a month!). I have also been car shopping and I have two choices, I can either get a used Audi A4 (which is beautiful, but used) or I can buy a brand new Suzuki Forenza. I am torn because I really love the Audi, but for the same price I could get a new car.

Today also happens to be my last day at the Grand America Hotel! I am excited, more than I thought I would be. Working there can be very draining, just like any job. I really needed to start something new, this new job will allow me to take my life in a new direction. A direction I want and one I can control! I start with Target on Monday. And for those of you who shop at Target let me know, we can go together and get my discount! A new bed will be my first purchase from them.

I also need to remind everyone about tomorrows events. Tomorrow is unemployment day, so we have to party! I got a room at the Grand America, we are going to do the Bayou for dinner, and then out to the bars. You are all welcome to stay at the hotel if you want, that way no one has to drive drunk, and we can get wasted!

And for those of you who didn't know, I know have a child. I forget his name but he goes to Ross Elementary School (not sure where that is). This was one of those miracle births where the father didn't have to do anything in the creation (or is that all births). Ok, so clearly I am joking. I have been getting calls for the past weeks about a kid at Ross elementary School. For some reason my number was listed as the person to call when there was a problem. And well this kid has problems, he seems to miss school quite a lot for an elementary student. As his father, I think we're going to have to work on that.

Anyway, good day to you all!

Can you guess what I am?

2006-03-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am hated by people who are white, black, Asian, and every other race out there.
I am hated by both men and women alike.
I am hated by the governments.
I am hated by religions.
I am viewed as a pervert.
I am not given the same rights as others.
I am even hated by others who are the same as I am.
People who are like me having been killed just for being them.
(I am not saying all people in these groups hate me, but there are many within those groups who hate me)

Can you guess what I am?

If you know me, then you know the answer to this question. I am homo! I am a white middle class male who is also gay. Now most people would like to think I am the majority, but I am not. People hate me just for who I love. People think I choose to be what I am, but I must ask you, did you choose who you fall in love with? People often say you can control those feelings, but I do not think repressing one of the most basic emotions is something I want to control. People think that I can marry if I choose, I just have to choose to marry female. People compare my love to the love between animals and humans, some how being intimate with a person of the same sex is like bestiality.

Now you may be asking what brought this up. I was reading another site about being a minority. They felt that because I am white and male that I can't try to defend myself from being called insensitive and trying to defend myself to prevent them from having a false view of me. Being white and male does not make me the majority, it also does not mean I support the majority. Being white and male also does not mean that I can't understand where a minority is coming from. They wrote about having to allow the minority to speak and have their soap box and that I should not try to speak against their soap box. And I also disagree with this. Being a minority does not give anyone free will to say anything they would like without allowing dialog. I feel like all of the minorities in this world are trying to compete for who has it the worst. And you know what I am going to say it, homosexuals have it the worst.

In the United States our laws do not to apply the same to homosexuals as they do others. In fact, there is the homosexual exception. Everyone has the fundamental right to marriage, except for homosexuals. Everyone has the right to not be discriminated against because of their race, gender, age, or national origin, except if you are homosexual you can be discriminated against because of that. Think about it this way, if I were to tell you everyone could marry except for African Americans, what would you think of that? A sane person would be outraged by that, and they would fight to change. How often have you heard someone describe something they think is stupid as gay? But what if I called something stupid as straight. "That stupid monster truck show was so straight". Yes that is kind of funny and is probably a straight thing to do, but it is not right to compare a negative thing with something that is apart of someone else.

What if tomorrow homosexuals were the majority? And me being the almighty president of homo land, I have decided that marriage is illegal for straight people. You are only allowed to marry a person of the same sex. You also are not allowed to have sexual relations with a person of the opposite sex. Now of course this would never happen, because homosexuals will never be the majority. But the examples have happened and are happening now. But instead of it being straight people who are being discriminated against, it is homosexuals. Did you know that two men having sex in their own private bedroom was once recently illegal. It wasn't changed until 2003 in the Lawrence vs. Texas case. To this day I am still not allowed to marry the person I want. So this isn't as far fetched as one might think.

There is one thing that I must demand of every minority out there and everyone else who supports them. I demand your support in my fight for the same rights as everyone else. Now that sounds harsh to demand someone to support you, but the only way any of us can win is if we work together. That means you must demand my support in your fight as well. I am willing to give my support to your fight, and when I do, do not judge me because I am a white male. Not all white males are the enemy. We all have our struggles, no one struggle is greater than another I just happen to be living mine as you are living yours. Really we are all fighting for a similar cause, so we must help one another out. This means that when you hear someone calling something gay you will correct them. Just as I will correct someone if they use a racial slur. You also must support me having the same rights as everyone else in return I will support you having the same rights as everyone else. You will also teach your children to respect everyone, including the kid who has two mommies, and if I have children I will make sure they are supportive of your children for being who they are. I think this is where Bill Clinton would say it takes a village, because it really does. Once again it goes back to us being everything and nothing at the same. My actions effect everything around me, yet I am nothing without everyone else.

You must start now!

Unemployment Party!

2006-03-12T23:29:00.000-07:00

So you may or may not know that I will be unemployed for two days! So I figure that is a great time to have a party. This is the plan, I decided that I am going to get a room at the Grand America on Saturday the 18th (It's nice to still have connections). We can all come to the hotel and use the spa and all that. Then do a little pre party in the room and then go out to one of the clubs that is close to the hotel. So that's the plan. I don't know which bar we will go to but who cares, we will be drunk! We could go to the Bayou because it is a block away from the hotel or any of the places that are downtown, but we can worry about that when the time comes!

This is going to be good times while being unemployed for two days I plan to stay at the nicest hotel in Utah, getting drunk, and spending lots of money! Probably not the best thing to do when unemployed, but I guess it is good I have another job. And I guess they can't fire me if I have too much fun in their hotel room. So let me know if you will be joining us (I do need to know who is coming I can't let it get too big, they still owe me my last paycheck)! This is kind of funny, this is the exact thing I would quite rudely tell people that they couldn't do at the hotel. So if you work for the hotel please disregard this, but I hope I will see you there!

Time to figure out the meaning to life.

2006-03-10T23:32:00.000-07:00

Once again I have been thinking about what I give this world. I was posed with the question about how we effect our world. Everything we do effects everything else around us. So what is it that I am giving to this world to make it better? Right now I feel like I am just here taking space, there is no meaning in my life. The thing is I am not sure what will give my life meaning. I can think back to when I worked for Rock the Vote, I enjoyed it, but it did not give me meaning. I guess that is where exploration comes in to find out what will make ones life meaningful.

I found a program with the Human Rights Campaign that I am going to apply for, it is called Youth College. They pick 30 people from around the US and help train them and then place them on a congressional campaign. The great thing is it is all expenses paid and you would be a full time staff member on a campaign. It would be amazing experience and would help me find some new things in this world. I would also be able to use this as my internship.

I have started working on my application, I just have to find one more letter of recommendation. I am not sure who I want to ask to write it though. I am having Hans Remier who is the current president for Rock the Vote write one for me, kind of. When I asked him if he would write it for me he agreed, but asked me to write it and he would edit/revise it. I guess that is a good way to do it, I can put in things I think will help get me the position. But it did kind of surprise me that he asked me to write, I do not know what to write about myself. I had to do a biography for something with Rock the Vote once and it was horrible. I feel when I write about myself that I am bragging. But he will be a great person for a recommendation to work for another non profit. I was also thinking about asking Megan, she and I have worked together before, and she is the Salt Lake County Democrat Party Chair so that may work (So what are your thoughts Megan?).

I am a weird person though, I just got a great job with Target and already I am trying to find something else. Why isn't that I can't just ever be happy with what I have? I think I might seek change just for the sake of change. I also kind of think I may be applying just to see if they would take me, but hey it doesn't hurt to try. But really who knows. I have a lot of life left, so I figure why not explore. We can't take any of this with us when we die, so why not say fuck it and have fun!

I feel like I am wondering around aimlessly trying to find something, yet I have no clue what I am looking for. I just hope I know it when I see it. I know that I have missed some things that were right in front of my face and now I wish I could change things.

On a side note, I got bored tonight so I thought I would look in to Target a little more. I found out that Target is very homo friendly. They specifically mention sexual orientation as one of the diverse items they like to be apart of their team. Most company's hide from things like that. Target also offers partner benefits, I guess I just have to find a partner to take part.

Reason to calm the fuck down!

2006-03-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

Well today really wasn't that interesting, so if you are looking for substance this post isn't for you. All I really did was go to work. While at work today I talked with my current boss (only my boss for 6 more days). For some reason they discussed in our ops meetings that I had put in my notice and I would be going to Target. From this meeting it was discovered that our Spa Director has a brother who worked for Target. She made a point to tell me that he "worked" for Target, he is no longer with them. She was kind of trying to scare me into saying, and said she would love it if I didn't leave. She knows what it will take for me to stay, but that just isn't possible. They would have to create a new position for me in order to justify the salary they would have to offer, and I don't think that is going to happen. It was kind of funny, when I gave my notice she asked me if it was something they could match. I wish it were, because I would like to stay at the hotel, but really they can't. That does make me feel good though, she would like to keep me if she could. And no matter what happens I will be better off for trying the position with Target. If I didn't take it I would always wonder what if. And if it doesn't work out as well as I want I always can go back to the hotel. I may even be able to take the management skills I gain from Target and go to work for a different company as a manager, so I end off better no matter what.

There are a few things I won't miss at the hotel, and that is the dumb guests. I am sure I will find many more of them at Target, but people on the phone are just stupid. Today the Grand America and Little America Hotels are completely booked. Now when I tell you that, what does that make you think? Probably you are thinking that there are no rooms at the hotel. When I tell people on the phone they always ask are you sure or do you have this room type? Well yes I am sure. Why the hell would I tell you we were sold out if I had rooms? I wouldn't, I would try to get you to reserve a room and take a bunch of your money. I literally told a guy today that I did not have a single room left at either hotel, and he still didn't get. Clearly he is stupid. If you ever call a hotel and they tell you they are sold out, say thank you and hang up or check for a different date. I can't wait until I get to Target and have to listen to people bitch at me there.

I also will not miss people bitching about money. I hear it all the time at the hotel. The Grand America is an expensive hotel, in one night you almost pay my rent for a month. If you reserve a hotel like this clearly you have money, if not you shouldn't stay there. I do not want to hear you bitch about $5 when you just spent over a $1000. It is $5, calm the fuck down! That is one of the worst things about management positions is upset guests. I have had to deal with at least one a day at the hotel. We will see what happens at Target.

There is one last annoyance. If you work in a call center environment you are going to take calls. In fact, you will take a lot of calls. The phone system in these call centers are very sophisticated, the calls are rotated to people who aren't on a call. I do not want to hear you bitch when you take a lot of calls. This is what you are paid to do. If you are busy, chances are everyone else is busy too. Really I should be the one bitching, I only get calls if everyone else is on a call. I took double what I normally do, so really I did twice as much work! Well ok really it isn't a big deal, I have kind of become a slacker now that I won't be working there long. But until my last day I still am your boss! This is your job, we are all doing the same thing and don't want to hear it. So stop bitching! I guess it is kind of funny I am sitting here bitching.

Bush is fucking dumb!

2006-03-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything political in awhile, but damn I think Bush has to be the dumbest person alive. We went into a Iraq when we knew of two other threats that pose a bigger risk than Iraq. Iran and North Korea are both countries we should have been focusing on. Iran is trying to gain nuclear power and North Korea is testing missiles. Now let's think about what is the greatest threat to us? It isn't Iraq, but now that we are in Iraq, what can we do with these other countries? We cannot support fighting in 3 countries, we just isn't possible. So Bush you fucked up! You picked the wrong country for the wrong reasons! What are you going to do now that there is a real threat?

North Korea conducted new missile tests

Iran's Nuclear Issue

Sigh....I need to find myself.

2006-03-08T02:15:00.000-07:00

These past months have been probably the craziest in my life. I have experienced things I have never felt before in my life. But I have learned and grown a lot. My "Rent" obsession has taught me a few things as well. I have realized I can't regret things, if you do "life is yours to miss". I do not have any regrets for things I have done or said, I am not sorry for any of it. Everything I have said or done was for a reason, others may not understand the reasoning but I do. That being said there are thing I would change about the past, but I do not regret any of it. I also owe a lot to my therapist, he has taught me a lot. The goal is to not repeat the things that don't work well for me. I do know what isn't working for me, I just have to remember all I have learned.

I do want your opinion, I have been trying to make things ok between Kenny and myself. No not to date him, or so I can say sorry, or so it can be like it was, because none of that can happen. Really just to have him as a friend. He was such a good friend to me at one point and great support that I don't feel I can let it die completely. So I am not sure what to do. Up to this point he has completely ignored and avoided me. I ok with that and was prepared for that response. But the question is should I give up? I think about other people I know as friends and there are some I am ok with never talking to again, but he isn't one of them. I also think that if I had a best friend I would fight for them in the same way. But I also can see his point of view, he doesn't need me in his life. He has good people around him, so what does he gain by being my friend? In reality having me as a friend is probably more trouble than it is worth. If you viewed someone as a friend and at one time and they thought of you as a friend, would you fight to keep the friendship there? I know I probably just need to give it more time. But also the more time I give it the more we grow apart, which is may be the idea. I really just don't know. I just want to find someone that I mean something to. I want someone to be close to and there for me.

I have to find my purpose in this world. I don't think our path is laid out for us or we are just living our destiny. I think we create that path with the choices we make. I really can do anything I want, the problem is I am not sure what I want. What is that I give this world and the people around me? I was told the other day that we are the universe and we are not the universe at the same time. The idea of this is like a beach, I am one pebble on the beach and with all the other pebbles we are the beach but by myself I am not the beach. If you remove that one pebble from the beach every other pebble has to adjust, not just the ones immediately around us, but all of them. Everything I do effects the people around me, who then effect those around them, and they effect those around them so everyone is effected. So the question is what is it that I bring that can change all those around me and around them for the better? I just don't know. Why is it that the hardest questions to answer are the ones that if answered would change the world?

I really need to know what I give to everyone, seriously, what do I give you? If I am not offering anything there would be no reason to have me in their life. If I offer nothing to this world then there would be no need for me to be apart of this world. So I seriously want to know what I offer people?

Really I have nothing to write about, just can't sleep.

2006-03-06T02:35:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep again tonight. It is 2:30 in the morning and I have to wake up early for an appointment, yet I am not tired. I even took a sleeping pill. I have too much on my mind right now to sleep. I got so bored I decided I was going music shopping on iTunes. I found some remix versions of "Seasons of Love". Sadie you would hate them. I downloaded two versions, they sound exactly like something you would hear in a gay night club or a rave. As I so often say they are "hoppy little numbers".

I have been thinking about the "L" word, and no not lesbian. Do you think we all have an unrealistic idea of what love is? When I watch "Rent" I see the bond that the couples seem to have in the movie. Now I know they are acting, but do you think love like that can happen in real life? I am not sure, I unfortunately do not have the answer to the love question.

I have met some good people at the hotel, it is kind of sad to leave right now. There is a girl I work with named Sadie, she and I can talk for hours. Literally she and I talk almost 8 hours a day which at work. Really I feel completely comfortable telling her almost anything. Really she is what I needed right now. There is also a guy named Nick who works at the hotel, he is a pretty nice guy. One thing that bothered me about Nick is he seems to always be able to tell what mood I am in, without me doing anything. I used to think I was good at hiding those things, but clearly I can't do it any more. Of all the people at the hotel these two will be the ones I keep in touch with.

I have also lost some weight. I really can't tell because I look at myself each day so I don't notice it. The only reason I can confirm my weight loss is the fact that my pants fall off my ass. When I put my belt on I make it as small as possible and it still is a little too big. I have also been told by a number of people at work. It really is a nice thing to hear that other people notice you have lost weight. The problem is I will probably gain everything back, and really when I look in the mirror I look the same as I always did.

My mom asked me the other day if I was still sad, and I told her no. But I lied to her, I am still sad. I am a sad person in general. I go to the doctor on Wednesday and I am going to talk to him about my medication. I am starting to wonder if it is really working or not. I am not even on the full adult dose yet of anything I take. I am getting a little frustrated because I want to get to a point where I wake up and feel good every morning. Tonight has been kind of bad, I even wanted to cancel my therapy appointment. I kind of don't want to do it any more. I am not going to stop going, I have to force myself to do things sometimes, but I have lost the motivation. Really I have lost motivation for everything.

It comes down to your view.

2006-03-05T04:09:00.000-07:00

I have been kind of emotional tonight. Even the smallest thing caused me to be get teary eyed. I was looking online for postcards. I found a site that had postcards from a trip to every state in the US. I looked at the ones from Wyoming and Utah. The postcard they had posted from Wyoming were from my home town of Green River. The way she wrote about Green River and Wyoming made me realize how beautiful the state is. I guess living in the state for 18 years you take things for granted.

Most people don't know this but I literally lived right next to an area that a famous painter (Thomas Moran) painted. I also lived in the town where John Wesley Powell started exploration of the remaining unexplored territory. When I started to read how beautiful they thought Wyoming was it made kind of miss it. No I don't really miss it, I think I am just lonely for family, friends, and things like that. I miss the comforting things of home and this reminded me of that. I started looking at the pictures by Thomas Moran, really he and I viewed the same area very different. Looking at what he has painted I can see the beauty of the area that I never saw

The sad thing is I have taken a lot of things for granted. I got so comfortable in the way things were that when things changed I wasn't prepared. And really I wasn't viewing things the same way others would. Unfortunately sometimes we have to be away from something to understand the true beauty or value. By now you can probably tell I am not really talking about my home town. I have taken everything for granted my friends, my education, my job, my relationships, and my health. Why is that we have to lose something to see the true value it holds?

This whole thing started in my effort to find a new postcard. I have been looking on the post secret site and decided I am going to make another card. My last postcard was never posted, which is fine but this time I am going to do something different. I am going to make another card and take it to the library and put it in the post secret book. I have read that some others have done that and I think it is a great idea. When someone checks out the book or reads it they will find my postcard. I was thinking maybe to have one side be my secret and the other side blank so they can put their secret on it, or keep it if they wanted. I guess when I am bored I need something to fill the time, so why not this.

This is a painting of my home town. I never saw anything like this when I lived there, yet I passed that exact area almost once a day.

Would you light my candle?

2006-03-03T01:14:00.000-07:00

I just watched Rent, I have been waiting to see it for so long. I am so glad I watched. Yeah, I am a homo so I think I am required to love it. The obvious message from the movie is let go of regret and live for today. As they say in the movie "No day but today". But really I think this movie gives perspective. Angel who seemed to be the worst off and the closet to death had more love and life than anyone. It wasn't about tomorrow and what might happen, it was about the love for today. I know this is completely cheesy, but sometimes we should listen to the cheesy stuff.

When I first started watching I got the message right away, but I wasn't sure if I believed it. How can one live for today without thinking about what was and what might be? After watching I don't think that means to not prepare yourself for tomorrow, but it means to focus on now. All we have control over is now, not tomorrow and not the past. By not living for now we are wasting opportunity.

I am looking for someone to "light my candle", but I am so afraid of being burned. The problem is I am clearly not letting go of things in the past and am allowing it to dictate my future. I wrote something awhile back about having issues, and the real test of a relationship is to see if each others issues can fit together. As Roger and Mimi put it "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine". Their baggage fits so well, but Roger was worried about tomorrow and almost missed something great. I really hope some day I am able to have love like that. The love that Angel and Collins had was enough for her to live for, that is what I want.

I started thinking about each character and what part of them fit me. I think we all are made up by different parts of each of them. I guess the trick is being able to find a balance between each part. There is one thing I didn't like about the movie and that was that Mark didn't find his love. He really was some what naive but also I think he was their guide. He was also the odd man out, yet they all cared about him just as much as each other. I want the nice guy to win, because damn it we deserve to! Rent is the original "Friends', but with more drugs, singing,drag queens, and death.

So anyway, this is my cheesy Rent post. I am going to watch it again and we will see what the second viewing has to offer.

Advanced notice!

2006-03-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

So I am officially giving each of you advanced notice that on Saturday, March 18th, we are all going out to get drunk. This is more than two weeks notice, so no excuses. My last day at the Grand America Hotel is March 17th, and my first day with Target is on March 20th. So I figure this requires some type of celebration. Now go get your pen, palm pilot, calendar, or date book and mark this day down. I will see you there!

Now this is a picture of me while drunk, yes it is a bad picture but I was drunk. Let's see if we can do better than this! (This is why they don't let homos in the army, or maybe this is why they should)

I quit!

2006-03-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

So I officially gave my notice to the hotel that I am quitting. I was so afraid to do it. Normally when I go into a job I am pretty confident in my abilities, but with Target this is all new. I have worked in management positions before, but I think the amount of money that has been offered is intimidating me. But I think I will be ok. I have to do a lot of training with them, the training program last for 3 months! So they really are investing a lot in me to make sure I am prepared, which is good. My last day at the hotel is March 17th and I start with Target on the 20th! We will have to have a get together to celebrate my new position, if you are reading this then you are invited!

I have recently been thinking about getting a dog. I think it would be nice to have someone there to run up to the door to welcome you home and excited to see you. If you get the right pet they also can offer unconditional love, which is something we all need. I can't get one yet because I need to find the right dog. I am allergic to cats and some dog's hair gives me a rash, so really I have to find the right one. I also live in an apartment so I need to make sure it is a smaller dog, one that won't mess up the apartment, and one that won't bark. I thought about getting fish again, but really fish aren't cuddly animals like dogs are. I am going to hold off for a little so I don't get a dog as a way to fill a void, and then later down the road regret getting the dog. That isn't good for me or the dog.

I found out today that my apartment complex has new management. This kind of scares me because they could raise the rent. I pay under $500 for my place, which is a damn good price. The apartment was remodeled when I moved in, has new carpet, and new appliances. If they wanted they could get more money out of these units. But I am in a good position right now, even if they did raise the rent I would be ok.

There are a few things I have planned for the next few months. One is I want to buy new bedroom furniture, this is going to be my first purchase with Target. They have a nice bed frame that I want to get, I am also going to get a king size bed. The next thing I need to do is get into a better vehicle. When the time is right I am going to buy a Suzuki Forenza. I can get a brand new car for a low price. My last goal, which is the big one, I want to buy a condo. I am not ready to make the condo purchase just yet, but I would much rather pay a little bit more for a place I owned. I have done the math and I can get into a condo for about 200 more than I pay now, which isn't bad. I am kind of picky though. The condo I buy will need to be in either the downtown area, avenues, or east bench. I also need a condo that has ac and a washer & dryer. If I am going to pay a bunch of money I want a place I can stay in and be happy with, so those things are a must.

I also feel I must tell everyone my new musical obsession. A while back a friend sent me a song by Bob Schneider, it was his version of "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz. So I listened to it recently and decided I was going to download some of his other songs, and I have fallen in love. I really like guys who have unique voices, he also has a great band. Some of the song sound like mysterious jazz rock music. So if you are bored and trust my music taste download his CD called "I'm Good Now". You also must download the song "Madeline" from the "Lonelyland" album. That is my favorite song he sings, also if you can find it download "If I only had a brain".

So anyway, you should probably call me sometime. I am pretty sure I haven't talked to most of you in awhile so now is as good a time as any. Talk to you later!