Really I have nothing to write about, just can't sleep.

I can't sleep again tonight. It is 2:30 in the morning and I have to wake up early for an appointment, yet I am not tired. I even took a sleeping pill. I have too much on my mind right now to sleep. I got so bored I decided I was going music shopping on iTunes. I found some remix versions of "Seasons of Love". Sadie you would hate them. I downloaded two versions, they sound exactly like something you would hear in a gay night club or a rave. As I so often say they are "hoppy little numbers".

I have been thinking about the "L" word, and no not lesbian. Do you think we all have an unrealistic idea of what love is? When I watch "Rent" I see the bond that the couples seem to have in the movie. Now I know they are acting, but do you think love like that can happen in real life? I am not sure, I unfortunately do not have the answer to the love question.

I have met some good people at the hotel, it is kind of sad to leave right now. There is a girl I work with named Sadie, she and I can talk for hours. Literally she and I talk almost 8 hours a day which at work. Really I feel completely comfortable telling her almost anything. Really she is what I needed right now. There is also a guy named Nick who works at the hotel, he is a pretty nice guy. One thing that bothered me about Nick is he seems to always be able to tell what mood I am in, without me doing anything. I used to think I was good at hiding those things, but clearly I can't do it any more. Of all the people at the hotel these two will be the ones I keep in touch with.

I have also lost some weight. I really can't tell because I look at myself each day so I don't notice it. The only reason I can confirm my weight loss is the fact that my pants fall off my ass. When I put my belt on I make it as small as possible and it still is a little too big. I have also been told by a number of people at work. It really is a nice thing to hear that other people notice you have lost weight. The problem is I will probably gain everything back, and really when I look in the mirror I look the same as I always did.

My mom asked me the other day if I was still sad, and I told her no. But I lied to her, I am still sad. I am a sad person in general. I go to the doctor on Wednesday and I am going to talk to him about my medication. I am starting to wonder if it is really working or not. I am not even on the full adult dose yet of anything I take. I am getting a little frustrated because I want to get to a point where I wake up and feel good every morning. Tonight has been kind of bad, I even wanted to cancel my therapy appointment. I kind of don't want to do it any more. I am not going to stop going, I have to force myself to do things sometimes, but I have lost the motivation. Really I have lost motivation for everything.