Sigh....I need to find myself.

These past months have been probably the craziest in my life. I have experienced things I have never felt before in my life. But I have learned and grown a lot. My "Rent" obsession has taught me a few things as well. I have realized I can't regret things, if you do "life is yours to miss". I do not have any regrets for things I have done or said, I am not sorry for any of it. Everything I have said or done was for a reason, others may not understand the reasoning but I do. That being said there are thing I would change about the past, but I do not regret any of it. I also owe a lot to my therapist, he has taught me a lot. The goal is to not repeat the things that don't work well for me. I do know what isn't working for me, I just have to remember all I have learned.

I do want your opinion, I have been trying to make things ok between Kenny and myself. No not to date him, or so I can say sorry, or so it can be like it was, because none of that can happen. Really just to have him as a friend. He was such a good friend to me at one point and great support that I don't feel I can let it die completely. So I am not sure what to do. Up to this point he has completely ignored and avoided me. I ok with that and was prepared for that response. But the question is should I give up? I think about other people I know as friends and there are some I am ok with never talking to again, but he isn't one of them. I also think that if I had a best friend I would fight for them in the same way. But I also can see his point of view, he doesn't need me in his life. He has good people around him, so what does he gain by being my friend? In reality having me as a friend is probably more trouble than it is worth. If you viewed someone as a friend and at one time and they thought of you as a friend, would you fight to keep the friendship there? I know I probably just need to give it more time. But also the more time I give it the more we grow apart, which is may be the idea. I really just don't know. I just want to find someone that I mean something to. I want someone to be close to and there for me.

I have to find my purpose in this world. I don't think our path is laid out for us or we are just living our destiny. I think we create that path with the choices we make. I really can do anything I want, the problem is I am not sure what I want. What is that I give this world and the people around me? I was told the other day that we are the universe and we are not the universe at the same time. The idea of this is like a beach, I am one pebble on the beach and with all the other pebbles we are the beach but by myself I am not the beach. If you remove that one pebble from the beach every other pebble has to adjust, not just the ones immediately around us, but all of them. Everything I do effects the people around me, who then effect those around them, and they effect those around them so everyone is effected. So the question is what is it that I bring that can change all those around me and around them for the better? I just don't know. Why is it that the hardest questions to answer are the ones that if answered would change the world?

I really need to know what I give to everyone, seriously, what do I give you? If I am not offering anything there would be no reason to have me in their life. If I offer nothing to this world then there would be no need for me to be apart of this world. So I seriously want to know what I offer people?