I caught one!

I had a pretty fun day. We had our District Assets Protection Team Leader (DAPTL) in the store. He was going over shopping lifting and all that kind of stuff. We all had just gotten back from lunch and went out on the floor to talk about common things that criminals will do. As we started to walk the store we got a call over the radio that someone they had spotted shop lifting a few days back was in the store again. So we all run to the control room.

Our DAPTL and another manager quickly got out of their Target clothes and went to the floor to watch the guy. The 6 of us and another uniformed officer stayed in the control room and watched him on camera. We watched him as he started picking out items and then would walk to the back of the store and shove them down his jacket. We could see it clear as day. He did this three times with three items. All this time we were watching him on camera and the other two managers were watching him on the floor.

He finally started to walk to the front of the store and try to leave. As we was leaving the two managers ran in to grab him. In the process a random lady got in the way, so one of them lightly moved her aside so he could grab the guy. After they grabbed him they walked him back to the office for the large welcome committee. He was greeted by 6 executives and one uniformed officer, which would be quite intimidating.

They sit him down and start talking to him. They ask him for the things he had taken, but he refused. Finally he gave up one item. We all knew he had a total of 3. So they kept pushing and pushing and he finally gave up all the items. He then started to go on about how he can't go to jail. He would do anything not to go jail, he was willing to pay for it. He wanted to go to his car so he could get more money. As he said this he stood up, which caused the other two guys to grab him and sit him back down. This is all happening with us watching it in amazement.

They finally asked his why he was shop lifting? His answer was "Because you told me to". We all thought he was crazy when he said that. Why would Target ask you to shop lift? So they asked him again, "Target asked you to shop lift"? His answer was "yes, it's good training for the new executives". By this time we had all realized what had happened. We had been deputed. The shop lifter was fake, he works for Target. They had him come in so we could see what it is really like to catch a shop lifter. It was quite exciting! We had no clue it was all fake.

The training was really good though. We got to see real video tapes of things that have happened in other Target stores. I saw a real armed robbery, a car breaking though a store to get to an employee to kill them, and a car bomb set off to blow up a store. They were all real things that have happened. It was kind of scary though, there may be a time when I am the one in charge of handling a situation like those.

I also learned yesterday skills of how to fire people. I can think back to working at the hotel, if some of the things that happened at the hotel happened at Target people would have been fired. Target doesn't fuck around with things. You get so many warnings and that is it. We also talked about key control. I will have keys and code and things like that. If I were to ever lose my key it would be an immediate final warning, meaning if I fuck up again I would be fired. Also depending on how close I am to the store I work at, if an alarm went off in the middle of the night I would have to go investigate the alarm. I was told that if that happened I needed to bring someone else with me. This made me start to think, who would I drag with me at 3 am for a false alarm? If you ever get a call for me, I am sorry! That's a lot of pressure. So that was my week, it has been quite interesting. My advice is never to shop lift, especially in Target.

It's not a game any more.

So I am a little annoyed today with work. I am in what is called a learning group, which is a group of people who are training to be in my same position through out our district. Of the people in the group I am the youngest and one of the only 2 that is new to Target. So everything I do is creating a first impression for all of my higher ups. We have been given a project to go over the company's donations and look at our grant process. We also get to look for other non-profit groups that would fit into our giving guidelines and recommend a group to give money to. For me this is something I like doing, I have been on the other side with the non-profit. It is really nice to be the one to be able to give out that money.

The problem that has come up is one of the guys in my group left early today without helping. He has the same position as the rest of us, so he should be helping us. I got a little mad because he has been there for 4+ years so he better start taking this serious. If this goes bad, it hurts me more than any of them. Every other person in my group has a history with Target, except for me. So I can't fuck up. Target is a competitive place, and if you haven't noticed I am stepping up my game. I want to make sure I am doing well and that I stand out in a positive light, which will help me make more money!

We also have a "know it all" in the group, and no it isn't me. She is brand new to Target yet thinks she has all the answers. She also tries to lead us, which doesn't work well. She does it in a way that is totally patronizing, like talking down to us. When she gets into a store and takes over leadership, she is going to have issues. The moment anyone tries to correct her is going to cause problems. In Target if you can't take constructive criticism you will fail.

I do feel very good about getting this job. Target is a huge company that makes 50 billion a year. Their interview process, background screening, and hiring process is very intensive. I had 6 interviews with Target and had to fill out a test, which includes a logic portion. I have a friend who applied and was turned down. Target is also big on having their staff from within move up, so for me to enter the company brand new says something about me. Yes I am building my ego, but I need that right now. There are only two people total in my learning group that are new, the rest have years of experience. So I entered into a position that it took someone 4 years to get to. That makes me feel pretty damn good. This huge corporation saw something in me that they wanted on their team. They have a lot of people apply for this position, but I made it! Some may be thinking this is just Target, but it isn't. This is the real thing for real money.

It is funny though, we are all trying to jockey into position. Some are tying to do it by knowing everything, others want to do it because they have been there for years. For me I want to do it with my work. I want to make sure that everything I do "exceeds" their expectations (old hotel thing). And as Sadie knows, I am good at going above and beyond. That is why tonight I am getting everything together for our project, I won't let us fail. That is also why my poster is already finished, and looks damn good! I want people to talk about my work in a positive way long after I am finished with the training.

I also met my first homo the other day. He is the logistics guy in Riverdale. It was kind of funny we both picked up that the other was a homo right away. I don't know what it is, maybe I am a flaming homo, but some people can tell. It was good that I met him though. I was able to talk about my worries about being open to everyone, but he said I would be fine. Target even has a LGBT network within Target. I am also completely protected with rights and benefits being gay. I can also offer my partner (should I ever find one) health benefits and things like that. I also have to find a mentor within the company, someone who can help lead me where I need and want to be. I think he will be a good option, he will be a store manager soon so he has the experience and I can learn a lot from him.

There are some random facts that I have discovered about Target. I bet you never knew this but Target has its own forensic lab. This is so good that police agencies come to them for help in cases. Target being extra nice does the work for them for free. And this isn't me trying to talk them up, they literally were able to put a tape recording back together, one that NASA couldn't even fix. They started this lab as a way to investigate crimes within their stores. So clearly you should not shop lift in Target, they have a lab that will come after you!

So that's the update of the day. I am in the process of buying a new car, I think it's going to be an Audi! I figure I may as well get the car I want so I don't end up wanting a new one right away.

My brand. (It sounds like I am running for office, I hope I get your vote!)

Target likes to push their brand. When you walk into a Target there are some things you can expect. With the Target Brand people expect good prices, trendy products, wide variety, and a helpful staff. You also have their logo, motto (expect more pay less), and mascot (dog with the bulls eye). These things all make up their brand.

As a part of my managers training I had to come up with my own personal brand. The idea behind this is to come up with the things that I am made of and the things that make me stand out from everyone else. We will then present the posters we make to all of the store managers and district manager as away for each of them to get to know us. I wanted to make sure that my poster stands out from everyone else, so I figured making a real poster that wasn't just glued together would work well. I also wanted it to look professional and have a similar look to some of the things that Target does with their marketing.

Target is big on leadership, they don't call their managers managers we're all called leaders, so that is the theme I picked. This poster is my way of selling myself to everyone else. So here it is, I started with a white page and this is what I created. Let me know what you think, also if you seen any major errors let me know so I can fix it. Would you buy/hire me if you could? (It will be bigger than this, printed on 11x17 glossy paper)

Target...

Things have been going well with Target. It is very interesting, today was my first day that I had to correct people's behavior. They are very big on guest service at Target, so when you walk in and around the store people should be asking if they can help you. We were watching people to see what they do well and what they don't do well. One girl we happened to be watching wasn't doing what she needed, so I had to go correct her. I did kind of feel bad, I am just some guy who has been in the store for 3 days and I was telling her what she did wrong. Her excuse was that she didn't feel well, and my response to that is if you don't feel well and can't help the guests then maybe you should go home. I also had a guy who laid a shelf across the floor so if people walked by they would have to step over it or trip, both of which are bad. Now I probably sound like a complete ass but I was told to do it and it is my job to do.

All of the hourly employees know that all of the managers are in the store, if I were in their shoes I would be on my best behavior. With all of us in the store there are an additional 7 or so managers in the store at one time. When we are all there we pick the store apart, so you have to be on your game. The store does have some really good team members, one of the guys in electronics is all over this service stuff. Target is also very big on firing bottom performers, if you can't hack it your out. The same goes for executives, so I have to be on my game. At some point I am going to have to fire someone, which is a scary thought but will have to be done.

Today we talked about being fired and promoted. Target has pay levels, I am currently on pay level 8 (I skipped 1-7), in my same position I can go up to level 10 and then to level 12. When going from 8 to 10 the store team leader can give you that raise based on performance. When going from a level 10 to 12 requires you to re-interview with our corporate office. But the jump to level 12 pays around 95K a year, which is pretty nice! Those pay levels are all in the same position, the only thing hire than my position in a store is the store team leader (STL or General Manager), which is on a hire pay scale than 12. The store team leader also gets a larger portion of the executive bonus, which from what I hear they make a lot money. The store team leader will make well over 95K a year. Who knew Target paid so well?

They also caught another shop lifter today, that is about 1 a day since I started. Clearly you shouldn't shop lift at Target, you will be caught. I am not sure why people are dumb enough to do it though. I found out today that most shop lifters at this Target are middle aged women, which surprised me.

So there is my life update, sorry it was all about Target. I have been spending almost half my day in the store so that is what is on my mind.

First day.

Today was my first day at Target. It went well, but was long. I spent all day in a conference room, and literally didn't see the outside until I left for the day. You would be surprised how competitive Target is. Once I enter my position and take control I will be ranked with all the other people in my district who are in my position. I thought that was kind of interesting, because I would hate to be the person on the bottom. They use this ranking system to determine who is next for a promotion. Target is also very big on reviews. I will be reviewed once a month. During my training I will be reviewed by every person who trains me, everyone else in my training group, and reviewed by myself. I also in turn get to review each of them. So they are very up front with what you do well and what you need to work on. I like this though, because I can see where I need to work on and fix that. This training will be very good, by the time I am done I will have been trained in every aspect of the store. Including the logistical parts of how the products come in and how they get to the floor. I also have to learn how to use all of the equipment, which includes some items I have never even heard of. They literally gave me a new bag filled with stuff I am going to need, I have more books than most college students. When speaking with anyone from Target you also have to learn their language before you can understand them. They all us acronyms for everything, it is almost like speaking in code. I am an ETL, who is in charge of TL's and GSTL, I also have an STL and DTL who is in charge of me. If I have an HR question I have to call the TMSC. For someone who is new, these things don't mean a damn thing!

I have learned that I am pretty damn lucky to be in this position. Of the people who were hired there are only a total of two who are from outside of Target, the rest are people who have worked there for years. So really I am entering on the same level as some people who have worked there for 4+ years. There are some things I am afraid of though. At some point I will be what is call LOD, which means Lead on Duty. The reason this scares me is because they are responsible for opening and closing the store. That means I have to make sure every door in the building is locked and the alarm system is armed. From the stories the others told, that is pretty serious. I can understand why though, if I forgot to lock a door and we got robbed it would be my fault. They are so serious about this that you only get a few chances, if you forget a door too many times you will be fired. I also learned that because of my position I have to be very careful, I can be held liable for harassment. Meaning if I fucked up I could have to pay that person lost wages or things such as that. But really I think I will do well. I thrive on competition, there is no way I will be at the bottom of the ranking system!

I feel good! Yeah it is crazy I know.

Most probably never thought emo Matt would say that, but yeah I feel good! I feel like things are moving forward. I have a new job, that pays well. I have found a new place to live that is VERY VERY nice. It has everything I want including a washer and dryer in the unit, a swimming pool, hot tub, and is in the downtown area. I am also slowly crawling out from under my debt (it will be gone in about a month!). I have also been car shopping and I have two choices, I can either get a used Audi A4 (which is beautiful, but used) or I can buy a brand new Suzuki Forenza. I am torn because I really love the Audi, but for the same price I could get a new car.

Today also happens to be my last day at the Grand America Hotel! I am excited, more than I thought I would be. Working there can be very draining, just like any job. I really needed to start something new, this new job will allow me to take my life in a new direction. A direction I want and one I can control! I start with Target on Monday. And for those of you who shop at Target let me know, we can go together and get my discount! A new bed will be my first purchase from them.

I also need to remind everyone about tomorrows events. Tomorrow is unemployment day, so we have to party! I got a room at the Grand America, we are going to do the Bayou for dinner, and then out to the bars. You are all welcome to stay at the hotel if you want, that way no one has to drive drunk, and we can get wasted!

And for those of you who didn't know, I know have a child. I forget his name but he goes to Ross Elementary School (not sure where that is). This was one of those miracle births where the father didn't have to do anything in the creation (or is that all births). Ok, so clearly I am joking. I have been getting calls for the past weeks about a kid at Ross elementary School. For some reason my number was listed as the person to call when there was a problem. And well this kid has problems, he seems to miss school quite a lot for an elementary student. As his father, I think we're going to have to work on that.

Anyway, good day to you all!

Can you guess what I am?

I am hated by people who are white, black, Asian, and every other race out there.
I am hated by both men and women alike.
I am hated by the governments.
I am hated by religions.
I am viewed as a pervert.
I am not given the same rights as others.
I am even hated by others who are the same as I am.
People who are like me having been killed just for being them.
(I am not saying all people in these groups hate me, but there are many within those groups who hate me)

Can you guess what I am?

If you know me, then you know the answer to this question. I am homo! I am a white middle class male who is also gay. Now most people would like to think I am the majority, but I am not. People hate me just for who I love. People think I choose to be what I am, but I must ask you, did you choose who you fall in love with? People often say you can control those feelings, but I do not think repressing one of the most basic emotions is something I want to control. People think that I can marry if I choose, I just have to choose to marry female. People compare my love to the love between animals and humans, some how being intimate with a person of the same sex is like bestiality.

Now you may be asking what brought this up. I was reading another site about being a minority. They felt that because I am white and male that I can't try to defend myself from being called insensitive and trying to defend myself to prevent them from having a false view of me. Being white and male does not make me the majority, it also does not mean I support the majority. Being white and male also does not mean that I can't understand where a minority is coming from. They wrote about having to allow the minority to speak and have their soap box and that I should not try to speak against their soap box. And I also disagree with this. Being a minority does not give anyone free will to say anything they would like without allowing dialog. I feel like all of the minorities in this world are trying to compete for who has it the worst. And you know what I am going to say it, homosexuals have it the worst.

In the United States our laws do not to apply the same to homosexuals as they do others. In fact, there is the homosexual exception. Everyone has the fundamental right to marriage, except for homosexuals. Everyone has the right to not be discriminated against because of their race, gender, age, or national origin, except if you are homosexual you can be discriminated against because of that. Think about it this way, if I were to tell you everyone could marry except for African Americans, what would you think of that? A sane person would be outraged by that, and they would fight to change. How often have you heard someone describe something they think is stupid as gay? But what if I called something stupid as straight. "That stupid monster truck show was so straight". Yes that is kind of funny and is probably a straight thing to do, but it is not right to compare a negative thing with something that is apart of someone else.

What if tomorrow homosexuals were the majority? And me being the almighty president of homo land, I have decided that marriage is illegal for straight people. You are only allowed to marry a person of the same sex. You also are not allowed to have sexual relations with a person of the opposite sex. Now of course this would never happen, because homosexuals will never be the majority. But the examples have happened and are happening now. But instead of it being straight people who are being discriminated against, it is homosexuals. Did you know that two men having sex in their own private bedroom was once recently illegal. It wasn't changed until 2003 in the Lawrence vs. Texas case. To this day I am still not allowed to marry the person I want. So this isn't as far fetched as one might think.

There is one thing that I must demand of every minority out there and everyone else who supports them. I demand your support in my fight for the same rights as everyone else. Now that sounds harsh to demand someone to support you, but the only way any of us can win is if we work together. That means you must demand my support in your fight as well. I am willing to give my support to your fight, and when I do, do not judge me because I am a white male. Not all white males are the enemy. We all have our struggles, no one struggle is greater than another I just happen to be living mine as you are living yours. Really we are all fighting for a similar cause, so we must help one another out. This means that when you hear someone calling something gay you will correct them. Just as I will correct someone if they use a racial slur. You also must support me having the same rights as everyone else in return I will support you having the same rights as everyone else. You will also teach your children to respect everyone, including the kid who has two mommies, and if I have children I will make sure they are supportive of your children for being who they are. I think this is where Bill Clinton would say it takes a village, because it really does. Once again it goes back to us being everything and nothing at the same. My actions effect everything around me, yet I am nothing without everyone else.

You must start now!

Unemployment Party!

So you may or may not know that I will be unemployed for two days! So I figure that is a great time to have a party. This is the plan, I decided that I am going to get a room at the Grand America on Saturday the 18th (It's nice to still have connections). We can all come to the hotel and use the spa and all that. Then do a little pre party in the room and then go out to one of the clubs that is close to the hotel. So that's the plan. I don't know which bar we will go to but who cares, we will be drunk! We could go to the Bayou because it is a block away from the hotel or any of the places that are downtown, but we can worry about that when the time comes!

This is going to be good times while being unemployed for two days I plan to stay at the nicest hotel in Utah, getting drunk, and spending lots of money! Probably not the best thing to do when unemployed, but I guess it is good I have another job. And I guess they can't fire me if I have too much fun in their hotel room. So let me know if you will be joining us (I do need to know who is coming I can't let it get too big, they still owe me my last paycheck)! This is kind of funny, this is the exact thing I would quite rudely tell people that they couldn't do at the hotel. So if you work for the hotel please disregard this, but I hope I will see you there!

Time to figure out the meaning to life.

Once again I have been thinking about what I give this world. I was posed with the question about how we effect our world. Everything we do effects everything else around us. So what is it that I am giving to this world to make it better? Right now I feel like I am just here taking space, there is no meaning in my life. The thing is I am not sure what will give my life meaning. I can think back to when I worked for Rock the Vote, I enjoyed it, but it did not give me meaning. I guess that is where exploration comes in to find out what will make ones life meaningful.

I found a program with the Human Rights Campaign that I am going to apply for, it is called Youth College. They pick 30 people from around the US and help train them and then place them on a congressional campaign. The great thing is it is all expenses paid and you would be a full time staff member on a campaign. It would be amazing experience and would help me find some new things in this world. I would also be able to use this as my internship.

I have started working on my application, I just have to find one more letter of recommendation. I am not sure who I want to ask to write it though. I am having Hans Remier who is the current president for Rock the Vote write one for me, kind of. When I asked him if he would write it for me he agreed, but asked me to write it and he would edit/revise it. I guess that is a good way to do it, I can put in things I think will help get me the position. But it did kind of surprise me that he asked me to write, I do not know what to write about myself. I had to do a biography for something with Rock the Vote once and it was horrible. I feel when I write about myself that I am bragging. But he will be a great person for a recommendation to work for another non profit. I was also thinking about asking Megan, she and I have worked together before, and she is the Salt Lake County Democrat Party Chair so that may work (So what are your thoughts Megan?).

I am a weird person though, I just got a great job with Target and already I am trying to find something else. Why isn't that I can't just ever be happy with what I have? I think I might seek change just for the sake of change. I also kind of think I may be applying just to see if they would take me, but hey it doesn't hurt to try. But really who knows. I have a lot of life left, so I figure why not explore. We can't take any of this with us when we die, so why not say fuck it and have fun!

I feel like I am wondering around aimlessly trying to find something, yet I have no clue what I am looking for. I just hope I know it when I see it. I know that I have missed some things that were right in front of my face and now I wish I could change things.

On a side note, I got bored tonight so I thought I would look in to Target a little more. I found out that Target is very homo friendly. They specifically mention sexual orientation as one of the diverse items they like to be apart of their team. Most company's hide from things like that. Target also offers partner benefits, I guess I just have to find a partner to take part.

Reason to calm the fuck down!

Well today really wasn't that interesting, so if you are looking for substance this post isn't for you. All I really did was go to work. While at work today I talked with my current boss (only my boss for 6 more days). For some reason they discussed in our ops meetings that I had put in my notice and I would be going to Target. From this meeting it was discovered that our Spa Director has a brother who worked for Target. She made a point to tell me that he "worked" for Target, he is no longer with them. She was kind of trying to scare me into saying, and said she would love it if I didn't leave. She knows what it will take for me to stay, but that just isn't possible. They would have to create a new position for me in order to justify the salary they would have to offer, and I don't think that is going to happen. It was kind of funny, when I gave my notice she asked me if it was something they could match. I wish it were, because I would like to stay at the hotel, but really they can't. That does make me feel good though, she would like to keep me if she could. And no matter what happens I will be better off for trying the position with Target. If I didn't take it I would always wonder what if. And if it doesn't work out as well as I want I always can go back to the hotel. I may even be able to take the management skills I gain from Target and go to work for a different company as a manager, so I end off better no matter what.

There are a few things I won't miss at the hotel, and that is the dumb guests. I am sure I will find many more of them at Target, but people on the phone are just stupid. Today the Grand America and Little America Hotels are completely booked. Now when I tell you that, what does that make you think? Probably you are thinking that there are no rooms at the hotel. When I tell people on the phone they always ask are you sure or do you have this room type? Well yes I am sure. Why the hell would I tell you we were sold out if I had rooms? I wouldn't, I would try to get you to reserve a room and take a bunch of your money. I literally told a guy today that I did not have a single room left at either hotel, and he still didn't get. Clearly he is stupid. If you ever call a hotel and they tell you they are sold out, say thank you and hang up or check for a different date. I can't wait until I get to Target and have to listen to people bitch at me there.

I also will not miss people bitching about money. I hear it all the time at the hotel. The Grand America is an expensive hotel, in one night you almost pay my rent for a month. If you reserve a hotel like this clearly you have money, if not you shouldn't stay there. I do not want to hear you bitch about $5 when you just spent over a $1000. It is $5, calm the fuck down! That is one of the worst things about management positions is upset guests. I have had to deal with at least one a day at the hotel. We will see what happens at Target.

There is one last annoyance. If you work in a call center environment you are going to take calls. In fact, you will take a lot of calls. The phone system in these call centers are very sophisticated, the calls are rotated to people who aren't on a call. I do not want to hear you bitch when you take a lot of calls. This is what you are paid to do. If you are busy, chances are everyone else is busy too. Really I should be the one bitching, I only get calls if everyone else is on a call. I took double what I normally do, so really I did twice as much work! Well ok really it isn't a big deal, I have kind of become a slacker now that I won't be working there long. But until my last day I still am your boss! This is your job, we are all doing the same thing and don't want to hear it. So stop bitching! I guess it is kind of funny I am sitting here bitching.

Bush is fucking dumb!

I haven't written anything political in awhile, but damn I think Bush has to be the dumbest person alive. We went into a Iraq when we knew of two other threats that pose a bigger risk than Iraq. Iran and North Korea are both countries we should have been focusing on. Iran is trying to gain nuclear power and North Korea is testing missiles. Now let's think about what is the greatest threat to us? It isn't Iraq, but now that we are in Iraq, what can we do with these other countries? We cannot support fighting in 3 countries, we just isn't possible. So Bush you fucked up! You picked the wrong country for the wrong reasons! What are you going to do now that there is a real threat?

North Korea conducted new missile tests

Iran's Nuclear Issue

Sigh....I need to find myself.

These past months have been probably the craziest in my life. I have experienced things I have never felt before in my life. But I have learned and grown a lot. My "Rent" obsession has taught me a few things as well. I have realized I can't regret things, if you do "life is yours to miss". I do not have any regrets for things I have done or said, I am not sorry for any of it. Everything I have said or done was for a reason, others may not understand the reasoning but I do. That being said there are thing I would change about the past, but I do not regret any of it. I also owe a lot to my therapist, he has taught me a lot. The goal is to not repeat the things that don't work well for me. I do know what isn't working for me, I just have to remember all I have learned.

I do want your opinion, I have been trying to make things ok between Kenny and myself. No not to date him, or so I can say sorry, or so it can be like it was, because none of that can happen. Really just to have him as a friend. He was such a good friend to me at one point and great support that I don't feel I can let it die completely. So I am not sure what to do. Up to this point he has completely ignored and avoided me. I ok with that and was prepared for that response. But the question is should I give up? I think about other people I know as friends and there are some I am ok with never talking to again, but he isn't one of them. I also think that if I had a best friend I would fight for them in the same way. But I also can see his point of view, he doesn't need me in his life. He has good people around him, so what does he gain by being my friend? In reality having me as a friend is probably more trouble than it is worth. If you viewed someone as a friend and at one time and they thought of you as a friend, would you fight to keep the friendship there? I know I probably just need to give it more time. But also the more time I give it the more we grow apart, which is may be the idea. I really just don't know. I just want to find someone that I mean something to. I want someone to be close to and there for me.

I have to find my purpose in this world. I don't think our path is laid out for us or we are just living our destiny. I think we create that path with the choices we make. I really can do anything I want, the problem is I am not sure what I want. What is that I give this world and the people around me? I was told the other day that we are the universe and we are not the universe at the same time. The idea of this is like a beach, I am one pebble on the beach and with all the other pebbles we are the beach but by myself I am not the beach. If you remove that one pebble from the beach every other pebble has to adjust, not just the ones immediately around us, but all of them. Everything I do effects the people around me, who then effect those around them, and they effect those around them so everyone is effected. So the question is what is it that I bring that can change all those around me and around them for the better? I just don't know. Why is it that the hardest questions to answer are the ones that if answered would change the world?

I really need to know what I give to everyone, seriously, what do I give you? If I am not offering anything there would be no reason to have me in their life. If I offer nothing to this world then there would be no need for me to be apart of this world. So I seriously want to know what I offer people?

Really I have nothing to write about, just can't sleep.

I can't sleep again tonight. It is 2:30 in the morning and I have to wake up early for an appointment, yet I am not tired. I even took a sleeping pill. I have too much on my mind right now to sleep. I got so bored I decided I was going music shopping on iTunes. I found some remix versions of "Seasons of Love". Sadie you would hate them. I downloaded two versions, they sound exactly like something you would hear in a gay night club or a rave. As I so often say they are "hoppy little numbers".

I have been thinking about the "L" word, and no not lesbian. Do you think we all have an unrealistic idea of what love is? When I watch "Rent" I see the bond that the couples seem to have in the movie. Now I know they are acting, but do you think love like that can happen in real life? I am not sure, I unfortunately do not have the answer to the love question.

I have met some good people at the hotel, it is kind of sad to leave right now. There is a girl I work with named Sadie, she and I can talk for hours. Literally she and I talk almost 8 hours a day which at work. Really I feel completely comfortable telling her almost anything. Really she is what I needed right now. There is also a guy named Nick who works at the hotel, he is a pretty nice guy. One thing that bothered me about Nick is he seems to always be able to tell what mood I am in, without me doing anything. I used to think I was good at hiding those things, but clearly I can't do it any more. Of all the people at the hotel these two will be the ones I keep in touch with.

I have also lost some weight. I really can't tell because I look at myself each day so I don't notice it. The only reason I can confirm my weight loss is the fact that my pants fall off my ass. When I put my belt on I make it as small as possible and it still is a little too big. I have also been told by a number of people at work. It really is a nice thing to hear that other people notice you have lost weight. The problem is I will probably gain everything back, and really when I look in the mirror I look the same as I always did.

My mom asked me the other day if I was still sad, and I told her no. But I lied to her, I am still sad. I am a sad person in general. I go to the doctor on Wednesday and I am going to talk to him about my medication. I am starting to wonder if it is really working or not. I am not even on the full adult dose yet of anything I take. I am getting a little frustrated because I want to get to a point where I wake up and feel good every morning. Tonight has been kind of bad, I even wanted to cancel my therapy appointment. I kind of don't want to do it any more. I am not going to stop going, I have to force myself to do things sometimes, but I have lost the motivation. Really I have lost motivation for everything.

It comes down to your view.

I have been kind of emotional tonight. Even the smallest thing caused me to be get teary eyed. I was looking online for postcards. I found a site that had postcards from a trip to every state in the US. I looked at the ones from Wyoming and Utah. The postcard they had posted from Wyoming were from my home town of Green River. The way she wrote about Green River and Wyoming made me realize how beautiful the state is. I guess living in the state for 18 years you take things for granted.

Most people don't know this but I literally lived right next to an area that a famous painter (Thomas Moran) painted. I also lived in the town where John Wesley Powell started exploration of the remaining unexplored territory. When I started to read how beautiful they thought Wyoming was it made kind of miss it. No I don't really miss it, I think I am just lonely for family, friends, and things like that. I miss the comforting things of home and this reminded me of that. I started looking at the pictures by Thomas Moran, really he and I viewed the same area very different. Looking at what he has painted I can see the beauty of the area that I never saw

The sad thing is I have taken a lot of things for granted. I got so comfortable in the way things were that when things changed I wasn't prepared. And really I wasn't viewing things the same way others would. Unfortunately sometimes we have to be away from something to understand the true beauty or value. By now you can probably tell I am not really talking about my home town. I have taken everything for granted my friends, my education, my job, my relationships, and my health. Why is that we have to lose something to see the true value it holds?

This whole thing started in my effort to find a new postcard. I have been looking on the post secret site and decided I am going to make another card. My last postcard was never posted, which is fine but this time I am going to do something different. I am going to make another card and take it to the library and put it in the post secret book. I have read that some others have done that and I think it is a great idea. When someone checks out the book or reads it they will find my postcard. I was thinking maybe to have one side be my secret and the other side blank so they can put their secret on it, or keep it if they wanted. I guess when I am bored I need something to fill the time, so why not this.

This is a painting of my home town. I never saw anything like this when I lived there, yet I passed that exact area almost once a day.

Would you light my candle?

I just watched Rent, I have been waiting to see it for so long. I am so glad I watched. Yeah, I am a homo so I think I am required to love it. The obvious message from the movie is let go of regret and live for today. As they say in the movie "No day but today". But really I think this movie gives perspective. Angel who seemed to be the worst off and the closet to death had more love and life than anyone. It wasn't about tomorrow and what might happen, it was about the love for today. I know this is completely cheesy, but sometimes we should listen to the cheesy stuff.

When I first started watching I got the message right away, but I wasn't sure if I believed it. How can one live for today without thinking about what was and what might be? After watching I don't think that means to not prepare yourself for tomorrow, but it means to focus on now. All we have control over is now, not tomorrow and not the past. By not living for now we are wasting opportunity.

I am looking for someone to "light my candle", but I am so afraid of being burned. The problem is I am clearly not letting go of things in the past and am allowing it to dictate my future. I wrote something awhile back about having issues, and the real test of a relationship is to see if each others issues can fit together. As Roger and Mimi put it "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine". Their baggage fits so well, but Roger was worried about tomorrow and almost missed something great. I really hope some day I am able to have love like that. The love that Angel and Collins had was enough for her to live for, that is what I want.

I started thinking about each character and what part of them fit me. I think we all are made up by different parts of each of them. I guess the trick is being able to find a balance between each part. There is one thing I didn't like about the movie and that was that Mark didn't find his love. He really was some what naive but also I think he was their guide. He was also the odd man out, yet they all cared about him just as much as each other. I want the nice guy to win, because damn it we deserve to! Rent is the original "Friends', but with more drugs, singing,drag queens, and death.

So anyway, this is my cheesy Rent post. I am going to watch it again and we will see what the second viewing has to offer.

Advanced notice!

So I am officially giving each of you advanced notice that on Saturday, March 18th, we are all going out to get drunk. This is more than two weeks notice, so no excuses. My last day at the Grand America Hotel is March 17th, and my first day with Target is on March 20th. So I figure this requires some type of celebration. Now go get your pen, palm pilot, calendar, or date book and mark this day down. I will see you there!

Now this is a picture of me while drunk, yes it is a bad picture but I was drunk. Let's see if we can do better than this! (This is why they don't let homos in the army, or maybe this is why they should)

I quit!

So I officially gave my notice to the hotel that I am quitting. I was so afraid to do it. Normally when I go into a job I am pretty confident in my abilities, but with Target this is all new. I have worked in management positions before, but I think the amount of money that has been offered is intimidating me. But I think I will be ok. I have to do a lot of training with them, the training program last for 3 months! So they really are investing a lot in me to make sure I am prepared, which is good. My last day at the hotel is March 17th and I start with Target on the 20th! We will have to have a get together to celebrate my new position, if you are reading this then you are invited!

I have recently been thinking about getting a dog. I think it would be nice to have someone there to run up to the door to welcome you home and excited to see you. If you get the right pet they also can offer unconditional love, which is something we all need. I can't get one yet because I need to find the right dog. I am allergic to cats and some dog's hair gives me a rash, so really I have to find the right one. I also live in an apartment so I need to make sure it is a smaller dog, one that won't mess up the apartment, and one that won't bark. I thought about getting fish again, but really fish aren't cuddly animals like dogs are. I am going to hold off for a little so I don't get a dog as a way to fill a void, and then later down the road regret getting the dog. That isn't good for me or the dog.

I found out today that my apartment complex has new management. This kind of scares me because they could raise the rent. I pay under $500 for my place, which is a damn good price. The apartment was remodeled when I moved in, has new carpet, and new appliances. If they wanted they could get more money out of these units. But I am in a good position right now, even if they did raise the rent I would be ok.

There are a few things I have planned for the next few months. One is I want to buy new bedroom furniture, this is going to be my first purchase with Target. They have a nice bed frame that I want to get, I am also going to get a king size bed. The next thing I need to do is get into a better vehicle. When the time is right I am going to buy a Suzuki Forenza. I can get a brand new car for a low price. My last goal, which is the big one, I want to buy a condo. I am not ready to make the condo purchase just yet, but I would much rather pay a little bit more for a place I owned. I have done the math and I can get into a condo for about 200 more than I pay now, which isn't bad. I am kind of picky though. The condo I buy will need to be in either the downtown area, avenues, or east bench. I also need a condo that has ac and a washer & dryer. If I am going to pay a bunch of money I want a place I can stay in and be happy with, so those things are a must.

I also feel I must tell everyone my new musical obsession. A while back a friend sent me a song by Bob Schneider, it was his version of "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz. So I listened to it recently and decided I was going to download some of his other songs, and I have fallen in love. I really like guys who have unique voices, he also has a great band. Some of the song sound like mysterious jazz rock music. So if you are bored and trust my music taste download his CD called "I'm Good Now". You also must download the song "Madeline" from the "Lonelyland" album. That is my favorite song he sings, also if you can find it download "If I only had a brain".

So anyway, you should probably call me sometime. I am pretty sure I haven't talked to most of you in awhile so now is as good a time as any. Talk to you later!